UnNews:Obama loses Carney hand
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Obama loses Carney hand
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 00:06:UTC)(
31 May 2014
The veteran carney-hand tendered his resignation at the end of a tense month with the shocking revelation at the V.A. that a system that promises veterans all the care they want for free would have long waits — and when run by politicians, the problem of long waits would be solved with the problem of lying about it.
Obama representatives did insist that, "Dude, that's old news," but their stock rebuttals, such as the award-winning, "What difference, at this point, does it make?" had little effect. The White House Press Office had little guidance during the ritual bipartisan search for scapegoats, as neither party was satisfied with a deputy who already announced his retirement in 2013. But the House of Reprehensibles seems determined to spend the summer holding hearings on the gun-running and IRS stuff, and if Mr. Obama's next spokesman again claims officials could not testify because they had a bad bump on the head or were shopping in Peru, even John Boehner might start to get suspicious.
The last straw may have been when it fell to Carney to explain Mr. Obama's remarks to graduating military cadets at West Point — that, happily, the profession they had studied was now obsolete, as the "American exceptionalism" that the President claimed imbued "every fiber of my being" consisted entirely in having the U.S. adhere to international fashion. The troops gave the C-in-C polite applause, as their discipline perfectly prepares them for a fallback career in food service.
The administration helpfully released the personnel announcement late Friday afternoon so that a curious public could ponder it all weekend, in the free moments from thinking about the freeing of five jihadists from Guantanamo. The obvious replacement for Mr. Carney, Jackie Gleason, was unavailable for service, so the job fell to a deputy named Josh Earnest, though it remains to be seen whether he will be earnest with the press or will merely josh.