|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
25 April 2010
USA, Earth -- White House senior advisor David Axelrod was a guest on The Tonight Show last Friday, sandwiched between the man who saved a flaming kitten from a tree and Lady Gaga. When Jay Leno asked him about the many campaign promises President Obama has yet to fulfill, Axelrod tried to change the subject by shouting, "OBAMA LIKES PIE!"
Confused, but wanting to stay professional, Leno asked him, "He likes pie, you say?" Surprised that it actually worked, Axelrod continued, "Oh yes, he absolutely loves to eat pie with a passion. It's a weakness of his. No, I would go so far as to say it's his kryptonite. For as long as I've known him, he's been a pie-fanatic. When we were on the campaign trail, it was always "Let's get some pie" and "That looks like a good place for pie". At one point, I considered joining Hillary's campaign. Over time, though, I've grown to tolerate it, but I can't really speak for others in the Administration. We had a pastry chef in the White House who actually quit his job because he was tired of making so much freaking pie."
Axelrod delved into the topic of Obama's dieting habits as soon as Leno asked him how the president stays so skinny despite eating pie all the time. "He suffers from bulimia," Axelrod said bluntly. "Yeah, he's very insecure about his looks. He's deluded himself into thinking he's fat. Pretty much on a regular basis he'll eat a bunch of pie and then excuse himself to the bathroom. He thinks we don't hear him spewing his guts out, but we do. Of course, if I ate as much pie as he does, I would be puking all the time too!"
Leno then asked Axelrod if Obama would appreciate him saying this on television. "Actually, he's wanted to tell the public for a while. Now that it's finally out there, the Administration will try to makes Americans feel optimistic about it. In fact, First Lady Michelle is thinking about adding bulimia and anorexia education as policies to her campaign against childhood obesity."
"Wait, let me see if I'm reading you correctly," Leno said. "Michelle Obama is going bring awareness of eating disorders to children." "Not just awareness," Axelrod responded. "She wants kids to practice these eating disorders. It makes perfect sense. More children not eating or vomiting their food will cause obesity rates will drop substantially. It's also a great chance to teach young people the community organizers' value of the end justifying the means. Heck, with President Obama already acting as a role model for them, we're halfway there!" With that, Leno shook Axelrod's hand and thanked him for coming on the show.
Conservatives have pounced on the issue like a lion pounces on its prey. "The President of the United States cannot show any weakness, or our enemies will use it against us," Rush Limbaugh stated on his radio show, while eating a piece of pie himself. "What if... *smack* *smack* mmmmmm... *smack* ...Mahmoud Ahmadinejad brings a nice blueberry pie to *burp* excuse me, these US-Iran peace talks? What then? *hiccup*" After drinking some milk, Limbaugh added, "Israel will be destroyed, all because Obama couldn't keep his piehole shut."
Meanwhile, Fox News reporter Glenn Beck devoted a large slice of his show to dissecting Obama's pie psychology. "His obsession with pie clearly represents Socialism," he explained, drawing a misshaped pie on the chalkboard. "We all know a pie is divided into several equal slices, and the mother, that is, the parental government, gives it to each equally. This line of thinking was confirmed two years ago when Michelle Obama talked about the poor getting their piece of the the pie. Oh, but Obama doesn't want you or himself to have just one slice. He wants it all! He wants complete government control of pie, I mean, the economy. It's so obvious! Can you not see the red substance stained on his bib? That is the raspberry blood of our econo-pie! Now the vomitting part is a biblical allusion. In Revelation 3:15 through 16, Jesus says:
|I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.|
"Obama, acting as our messiah, wants us to stay in line. We must all be radicals on his side, or we'll be done away with. Socialism, of course, is a strive for Heaven on earth. And what do we call Utopian schemes? That's right! Pie in the Sky! Wake up, people!"
He ended the segment by showing the scene from American Pie where Jason Biggs' character is having sex with a pie, followed by his father walking in on the act. "This is reality, folks," Beck stated. "We're watching our American Pie be ravaged right before our eyes, and we don't know what to do but stand here in shock." Glenn Beck later received angry letters for showing the R-rated scene on television. Beck apologized, but explained on his behalf, "I didn't think the rape was a big deal at the time. I personally thought the joke absolutely murdered."
Over the weekend, many Tea Party protests erupted with signs reading new, clever slogans such as "Obama makes me puke!" and "Keep your fingers out of our pie!". Amidst the controversy, President Obama held a press conference on the issue, in which he assured Americans he was seeking help for his pie problem, and it will not have any affect on the way he governs. Unfortunately, he failed to mention what his favorite kind of pie was, leaving journalists and pundits to further speculate.
In other news, nothing else is happening in the world, except that Gordon Brown likes cheese.
- "White House adviser spills secret: Obama loves pie". The Associated Press, April 24, 2010
- "Axelrod talks Obama's diet, Biden's mouth on Jay Leno's show". The Hill, April 24, 2010