UnNews:Obama invites dangerous felon to White House for a "beer"
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Obama invites dangerous felon to White House for a "beer"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 22:46 (UTC)
26 July 2009
Picture this. A cop walks into a man's home, uninvited, demanding that he show proof that he lives there. The man inside is black.
Scared yet? Think this can't happen in America? Think again! Even with skin pigmentation conclusively proving that he couldn't possibly own the home the cops found him squatting, Henry Louis Gates Jr. decided to argue with the perfectly reasonable arresting officers, in a very tense standoff which lasted at least several minutes. Several nervous, tense, sweaty minutes during which the police were sure their lives, and the lives of the public, were in grave, mortal, terrifying danger. In a world exclusive, UnNews has obtained a partial transcript of the event.
Henry Louis Gates Jr: Hey! Get the hell out of my house!
Officer Crowley: Sir, I'm not blind, I can see that you're black.
Henry Louis Gates Jr: What the hell does that have to do with anything? I've been living here for 30 years!
Officer Crowley: You're admitting you've been burglarizing this home for 30 years? (into walkie-talkie: I'm going to need some backup!)
Henry Louis Gates Jr: Wha.. I'm a tenured Harvard Professor, you can't treat me like this! Look, here's my ID!
Officer Crowley: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you not to cause a disturbance... erm... in the force.
Henry Louis Gates Jr: I'm starting to get a little pissed at you, son! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND GET OFF MY LAWN!
Officer Crowley: (into walkie): Suspect is becoming angry and dangerous, need backup NOW!
These events rather obviously merited President Obama's personal attention, but, in a shocking move, even after hearing the tapes of the dangerous criminal resisting arrest and obstructing justice, the president invited the courageous police officer and the thug into his huge, taxpayer-funded mansion, for a "beer". Obama did express concerns that Officer Crowley might attempt to arrest him, but the Cambridge PD swiftly assured him that he's not poor, and that he's very well-known, and that he's only half black. Obama agreed.
Obama brushed aside criticisms that he was increasing every American's debt burden by $0.00000003, saying that he'd purchase the beers himself at the local quickie-mart, and gave his personal guarantee that no rich people would be harmed in the incident.
- Arianna Davis and Samuel Goldsmith "What beer should President Obama with Harvard Prof. Henry Gates and Cambridge cop James Crowley?". NY Daily News, July 26th 2009