UnNews:Obama fulfills campaign promise, becomes invisible
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Obama fulfills campaign promise, becomes invisible
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 4, 2016, 16:13:UTC)(
3 January 2014
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- U.S. President Barack Obama fulfilled yet another campaign promise. Addressing the White House press corpse, he said, "Much has been made of my administration's supposed lack of transparency. Now, let me make something perfectly clear. Myself!" With that note, Obama stunned the lackeys and lapdogs in the room by vanishing in front of their eyes. He continued by saying, "Today I stand before you to assure you that I am so completely transparent, you can't even see me. Now, a lot of folks thought I was speaking figuratively when I promised the most transparent administration in American history, but as you can see, this administration takes its promises very literally. Look around you, ladies and gentlemen, and you won't see my entire cabinet, either. That's how transparent we are."
Responding to the question of when he planned to become visible again, Obama appeared to hesitate. "Now," he began, "let me make something perfectly clear. I plan to remain perfectly clear until such a time as I and my administration feel that it's in the American people's best interest for us to once again reflect light. Now I know that some will say this is a gimmick, that we're not truly committed to this path, that our resolve is weak. To them I say that not seeing is believing. We're treading new ground here, and we will not be distracted by those wishing to derail our progress."
Asked whether he was missing the point by being so literal, Obama responded by saying, "I think most Americans understood my original intent. Look at me. Well you can't look at me, but this is an incredible achievement for our democracy. I'll be able to go places that I could never go before. I can infiltrate the terrorist cells that are trying to destroy our freedoms. I can waltz into the Russian war room, and I'll be able to see everything. I'll be able to see the big board!"
Asked whether the private sector would have access to the new technology, Obama again hesitated. "I've been advised that we should hold onto this technology for now. But we have some big plans for Guantanamo Bay."
This reporter asked Obama if there was any NSA involvement in the project. "I can't answer that question at this time, but rest assured, you've been added to their list of high-priority surveillance targets."
The press conference continued, but this correspondent was carried away by invisible secret service agents.