Obama floats name of Sandoval, but Sandoval sinks it

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26 February 2016

Pablo Sandoval

Sandoval (pictured) would have to wear his hat straight if nominated to the Supreme Court, but would not have to lose weight.

CARSON CITY, Nevada -- The Republican governor of Nevada stated that he would not accept President Obama's nomination to join the U.S. Supreme Court to replace the late Justice Antonin Scalia.

Mr. Obama's stated intent to nominate Brian Sandoval, which was stated not by Mr. Obama but by sockpuppets on NBC, was an obvious ruse to make Senate President Mitch McConnell look stupid for promising to shun any Obama nominee. Sen. McConnell proposed to wait for the next President, leaving in the hands of American voters whether the next Court would force women to carry pregnancies to term or instead to pay for foreigners' abortions.

Several Senators were surprised at Sen. McConnell's sudden firmness after seven years of rolling over and waiting for Presidential tummy-rubs, and Sen. Susan Collins of Maine quickly broke ranks. "No hearings? Not even if Obama nominated a Republican?" she asked. Sen. McConnell and his Judiciary Committee chairman agreed to separate meetings with Mr. Obama to "discuss the issue" and hope the resulting blackmail is gentler than whatever the Chief Justice was told to make him rule that Obama-care was Constitutional.

Capital-area media were baffled at why Mr. Obama would nominate anyone other than a left-winger, such as Justice Jonathan Gruber, the technocrat who admitted he designed Obama-care in view of American stupidity, understating its costs by putting most of them somewhere other than the federal budget.

The media concluded that Mr. Obama had meant Pablo Sandoval. The 290-pound baseball player, nicknamed "Kung Fu Panda," signed with the Boston Red Sox last year out of fear that the San Francisco Giants would put him on a diet. After a mediocre 2015, he arrived for spring training visibly fatter than when manager John Farrell had met with him a month earlier, an issue that $18 million per year evidently does not render negotiable. He is penciled in at third base despite the sheer impossibility that he could bend down to catch a ground ball.

Thus, the best career move for Sandoval is to become an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, following the lead of President Taft, another "portly" man and himself a baseball fan, who first stood up in the seventh inning looking for another dozen cheese dogs, a move met by a wave of mass imitative obsequy that became the modern "seventh-inning stretch," fans happily not scratching their backsides as Mr. Taft had. The other Sandoval, meanwhile, graciously ignored the pre-emptive choruses of "hater" emanating from the Beltway and wrote the White House that he was humbled to be discussed but was already taking adequate crap in Nevada's capital.

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