UnNews:Obama draws another "red line" on Ukraine
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Obama draws another "red line" on Ukraine
Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out
Friday, October 28, 2016, 19:59:UTC)(
2 March 2014
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- U.S. President Barack Obama drew another "red line" regarding Russian intervention in the Ukraine crisis, his 19th warning to Vladimir Putin and the 327th warning, red line, or threat of vague consequences of his Presidency.
As it comes only months after Mr. Obama winked to the Russian Foreign Minister that "things would be easier" once Mr. Obama got past his re-election, the sudden change of tone should definitely have made an impression on the Russian President. Secretary of State John Kerry delivered the harsh words, telling Mr. Putin that America was prepared to "go to the hilt" after a Russian military incursion into Ukraine. Mr. Obama had stressed the urgency himself in a 90-minute telephone call to Mr. Putin last Saturday, made lengthier by the fact that Mr. Putin had to interrupt the call, first to order take-out and then to eat it.
Mr. Obama has put aside last century's fashion of "speaking softly but carrying a big stick," delivering the ultimatum to Mr. Putin in the strongest of terms, while most of America's sticks of every size have been set aside in the campaign against bullying. Mr. Kerry said America might boycott this summer's economic summit, which would cost Russia thousands of dollars in tourism. He said the President might even come to the aid of Ukraine by giving it a waiver from Obama-care. Although Mr. Kerry used the analogy of a "hilt," which has something to do with a sword, he clarified to reporters that a military response was off the table. "The last thing anybody wants is a military option," he said. "We want a peaceful resolution through the normal process of punishing businessmen."
The 19th warning to Mr. Putin is the third highest in the Obama Administration, behind only the 26 red lines drawn against Iran, which might not have been able to hear the warnings over the whirring of centrifuges; and the 32 red lines given to North Korea, which have successfully induced hints that America might yet pay the dictatorship to think about ceasing to fire nuclear missiles over Japan.
Republicans were quick to dissent. Senator John McCain filed a "comprehensive reform" bill that would give Mr. Putin a "pathway" to annexing the Ukraine, provided he paid a fine, took a course in international law, and promised to obey it in the future. "Though American paratroopersh raining down into Kiev would be a heroic shight," McCain giggled.
- Staff, "Kerry: Repercussions for Putin 'act of aggression'". Associated Press, March 2, 2014