UnNews:Obama declares war on preggo rape
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
14 January 2013
Washington DC, USA -- US President Barack Obama, has announced that the US must fight the rising tide of preggo rape in the United States. Although many Republicans have dismissed the move as a ploy, both House Speaker John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell have endorsed the initiative. Boehner is quoted as saying, "The Republican party is a part of law or order, and has always opposed rape in any form, regardless of what the liberal media might claim."
Preggo rape, is rape committed by a preggo, or a pregnant woman, to use layman's terms. Pregnancy hormones often increase the sex drive of females, yet at the same time, many men find pregnancy sexually unappealing. This combination of factors often causes preggoes to resort to rape. Often, the victim of preggo rape will not notice that the preggo is attempting to rape him (or, occasionally her) until it is too late. The victims often fail to forcibly resist out of a combination of shock or a fear of injuring the fetus.
One victim of preggo rape described the traumatic experience, "I was minding my own business when one of my pregnant co-workers asked if I wanted to touch her belly. Now, obviously, I didn't want to do that. However, women are irrational and unreasonable creatures, so, to a avoid drama, I did. While my hand was on her belly she grabbed a hold of me, and the next thing I knew, she forced me to ground and got on top of me. It all happened so fast, I didn't know what was going on. If she wasn't pregnant, I would have pushed her off and ran away, but she said, 'You don't want to hurt my baby, do you?' That stunned my instincts just long for her to force me to penetrate her. After that, everything is a blur. I don't know what happened..."
After a round of sobbing, the victim continued, "She acted very quickly I could tell she had don it before. I had no idea that pregnant women still wanted to have sex. The idea of my privy regions being about 6" from her unborn baby is just creepy." The victim was then informed that the fetus would have been more like 3" away, then began another round of sobbing.
Obama and congressional Democrats has proposed increasing access to abortion to fight preggo rape, arguing that more abortions will mean less pregnancies. Republicans question that assumption, as a woman will still be pregnant before the time she has an abortion. Therefore, they argue, restricting access to abortion will decrease preggo rape.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|