|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
21 March 2008
WASHINGTON DC, USA -- Presidential candidate, anti-christ and, more importantly, black person Barack Obama has come under heavy fire from Republicans and supporters of Hillary Clinton in recent weeks after it was revealed that Gus McElbow Jr., a man who once drove Obama in a taxi for three blocks, has a controversial view towards the United States of America.
Gus, the taxi driver in question, apparently was making a speech to a large crowd of people when he said "Not God bless America! No no no! God DAMN America!" The reaction from the crowd was immediate. According to one crowd member, "My first reaction was initial shock. Did he seriously just say that about America? My second reaction was kind of confusion. Why the hell was a taxi driver making a speech in the first place?"
Apparently, Gus once drove Obama from his home to a nearby movie theater and back when Obama's car was in for repairs. According to ABC News, "Obama and Gus forged a lasting friendship on that day. They had a deep and engrossing conversation in which Obama greeted Gus, Gus grunted, there was about 15 minutes of awkward silence, and then Gus said 'here's your change.'" Apparently, after that, Gus and Obama kept in close contact: "Yes, Obama kept in touch with Gus. He said "sorry" to him once when he bumped into him at a supermarket and--get this--Gus has watched all of Obama's TV commercials!"
When it was revealed that there was such a strong, inseparable link between the raving taxi driver and the presidential candidate, controversy immediately began to spring up about whether or not Obama endorsed these beliefs. According to one democrat: "I was going to vote for Obama, but then I heard all this stuff about his taxi driver hating America. Now I'm really having second thoughts. Barack Obama should have the power to control the opinions of everyone he meets. I'm blatantly outraged by this."
Barack Hussein Obama addressed the issue in a speech about racism in America a few days ago. "I do not agree with any of these statements made by this man who drove my taxi," he said, "But we must try to avoid hovering on trivialities that mean absolutely nothing for our nation.
"We can play this taxi driver's speech on every channel," continued Obama, "And talk about him from now until the election, and make the only question in this campaign whether or not the American people think that I somehow believe or sympathize with his most offensive words. We can do that. But if we do, I can tell you that in the next election, we'll be talking about some other distraction. And then another one. And then another one. And nothing will ever change. Or, at this moment, in this election, we can come together and say, that we're not doing that this time around..." the rest of his speech was cut off when Gus, the taxi driver, walked into the room, and all of the journalists previously filming the speech sprinted over to Gus to interview him about his America-hating tendencies.
Whether or not this issue will have any impact on the elections is not predictable at this time. However, many American news stations seem to think so. Some of them have taken up showing the taxi driver's "God damn America" speech every single time the words "Barack," "Obama," "election," or "black man" are mentioned.
There has been no word yet on Barack Obama's bus driver from kindergarten, who was a Communist.