UnNews:Obama cries like a little baby
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Obama cries like a little baby
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 1, 2015, 23:25:UTC)(
14 December 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Crying crocodile tears, the President of the United States could hardly read a prepared speech today. He cried like a little baby. Water streaming from his eyes. It was disgusting.
"I fear for my country," were the words expelled from the mouth of commentator and satirist Rush Limbaugh as he talked about the President's display. "For mercy's sake, no modern president has ever cried like a baby before in public for no reason. What will Obama do when he has to stare down Hugo Chavez? Stand there and WHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA? This now is the norm?"
MSNBC mouthpiece Rachel Maddow defended the President. "Who hasn't almost lost it," Maddow said. "I lose it ever time the GOP takes another piece of toast from middle class taxpayers and the non-tax paying poor. And their families! Actually, I lied, I don't lose it everytime, you know, that would be like epic. Once in awhile though, around the office, you have to have a good cry over how many unconscious people trample around Washington on a daily basis, some of them getting lost on the subway just like the rest of us. Have you ever gone up the subway escalator at DuPont Circle? It's a life experience."
Still standing at the podium as this discussion went on across the media, Obama still couldn't speak and was holding it in, attempting to regain his shattered composure. Odds in Vegas had been posted, and were receiving quick action on how long until Obama regained enough control to continue reading the speech. A side bet, an over/under play, was if after he started reading again, he'd have to stop at least once more for four seconds. If he lost it, and could regain control in under four seconds, he'd cost a lot of people a lot of money.
"Give me a wooden spoon and call me Nellie," intoned Fox News's Sean Hannity, a product of FOX's lackluster attempts to create influential right-wing leaders, "the President cried like a baby! This is a historic day. No modern president has ever cried like a baby before in public for no reason. What will Obama do when he has to stare down Hugo Chavez? Stand there and WHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA? This is now the norm?"
Presidents, Royalty, Prime Ministers and Dictatorial Despots from France to Mozambique either had "no comment" when asked about the President's breakdown, or just looked at reporters with vacant stares and kept on moving. CNN reporter Anderson Cooper chased Hollywood legend Al Pacino into an industrial rubber and tree plant, where Pacino was filming his next movie. "I think it's a disgrace, a national disgrace," Pacino said when Cooper told him what had happened, "an international disgrace. Crying? Like a baby? Camera's were rolling? Man, you have to keep control of your body. What if Richard III had cried in public! Come on, give me some room here Anderson, I have to swing to my camera left and knock a cup of orange juice into the wall."
"POTUS just lost it on live air," Tweeted Marci, from Louisville.
The White House issued an explanation, saying that the President had something in his eye, an irritant that he'd gotten on his hands during his morning workout. A White House source said on deep background that Obama is alergic to a specific clothing material, and the First Lady might have handed him the wrong gym shirt that morning. The doctor who examined the President immediately following his White House Press Room appearance suggested that even though the President washes his hands after every workout, he might have gotten the material into his eye earlier in his workout, and it began to irritate his eyeball later, during his reading of the press announcement.
National and local reporters, who had also cried on air today, talked of their own allergic reactions to various substances. "I'm allergic to glue," said CNN's Wolf Blitzer, "and one of our interns must have spilled some." Anderson Cooper said he got gay stuff in his eye. News legends Bob Woodward and Tom Brokow blamed their sniffly noses and cracked voices on colds they picked up near the Kyber Pass while working as an investigative team in Pakistan. And NBC weatherman Al Roker, who was seen blubbering and wiping his eyes with his coat sleeve, cited ragweed pollen as the culprit. When reminded that it was December in New York, and the year's pollen had long since passed, Roker said it must have been something else.
A few people noticed tears running from Rush Limbaugh's eyes, and he blamed a spicy bowl of chili. For the first time in his career he was the only one telling the truth.