UnNews:Obama considers name change
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
5 February 2007
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WASHINGTON, D. C. - Now that he is seeking the presidency, Senator Barack Obama is contemplating a name change, insiders say. His name is too difficult for voters to remember, they contend, and, even worse, it sounds like the name of terrorist Osama bin Ladenâs first name.
âPeople wonât vote for a candidate whose name they donât recognize,â Obama advisor, Valerie Jarrett, told UnNewsâ reporter Lotta Lies, âand they sure as hell wonât vote for somebody whose name reminds them of the bastard whose terrorist attack on New York City took down the Twin Towers.â
According to sources close to the senator, heâs thinking of changing his name to either Hillary Rodham Clinton or to just Hillary Clinton because this is a name that is already familiar to Americans; sounds female, which should help attract female voters; and already belongs to the Democratic Partyâs frontrunner.
Sen. Clinton--Billâs wife--said that she would oppose Obama if he tries to steal her name. After all, she pointed out, she had to wed Bill Clinton; remain married to him, despite his numerous affairs; and pretend that she loves him in order to carry his name. âOnce, on our honeymoon, despite my lesbian leanings,â she recalled, shuddering, âI even had to have sex with him, as Chelsea proves.â She isnât about to give up her name without a fight, she vowed. Besides, she said, having two Hillary Clintons on the same primary ballot would confuse voters even worse than did hanging chads.
Neither Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi nor President George Bush would comment on the matter, but Rosie OâDonnell said, âI always thought, if he changed his name, Obama would go for Pelosi; heâs such a Nancy boy!â