UnNews:Obama confesses Islam
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Obama confesses Islam
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 25, 2016, 22:11:UTC)(
23 January 2013
Washington DC, USA -- In a move that has a shocked many, American President Barack Obama has publicly announced that he is, and secretly has been, a Muslim all his life. In a press conference, Barack Obama stated that, "I am, and have always been a devout Muslim. Now that I am in my second and final term as president, I can reveal my Islamic faith without imperiling my secret Islamic agenda for America."
Many on the right were dismayed, but not shocked, by this announcement. "I always had a feeling that Obama was a Muslim plant. With a name like "Barack Obama", it seems obvious in hindsight," said columnist and elderly martial artist Chuck Norris, 73. Mr. Norris then called upon all Americans to rise up and free the United States from the Islamic menace.
"President Obama has recently outlined with radical Islamic agenda for America," Norris continued. "The President, or should I Traitor-in-chief, apparently wants to, quote 'enforce Islamic morality by outlawing gay marriage, restricting access to abortion, and mandating the teaching of creation. These anti-American policies... Wait a minute, let me get back to you on this." After what appeared to be a conversation with an intern and some google searching, Mr Norris continued, "It appears that Muslims are, in fact, social conservatives, and not godless liberals. In fact, it appears that many Muslim countries are far to the right of most American conservatives. In light of this new information, I call upon all Americans to support Obama's Islamic agenda."
Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney also came out in support of Obama. "It turns out Obama's support for abortion and gay marriage was only a ruse to enforce his Muslim agenda on America. I, for one, support Obama, and if I knew now what I knew then, I would not have run against him. Muslims are opposed to secularism, abortion, and believe that marriage is between one man and one or more women. I don't agree with the Islamic limit of 4 wives, but it is a step in the right direction. I hope that all America of faith, be they Christian, Jew, or Muslim, can come together to save America from the threats of atheism and socialism."
Romney also announced his support for Obama's somewhat controversial "death to Israel" policy, "Initially, I viewed Obama's proposal to destroy the state of Israel, and establish an Islamic Republic of Palestine in its place, with a good deal of suspicion. However, Obama has rightly pointed out Israel is governed by godless liberals. An Islamic Republic would go away with abortion, gay rights, and other sinfulness in the holy land. Although there are differences between Shari law and the Law of Moses, they are far closer to each other than either is to godless liberalism."