UnNews:Obama conducts fundraising offensive

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Obama conducts fundraising offensive

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22 July 2014

Obama laugh

Sadly, aides are keeping Obama off the Jimmy Kimble television program, a location from which he could not simultaneously function as the Leader of the Free World.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As events from Eastern Europe to the Middle East to the Southern U.S. border swirl out of control, U.S. President Barack Obama is taking charge on a familiar battleground: Raising cash.

The Congressional Budget Office computed that, of the $3.7 billion Obama requested to deal with the former southern border, only $0.025 billion will even be spent this year. Thus Obama naturally turned to the nation's only stable source of emergency funding: Democratic Party donors.

Obama on Tuesday started a three-day trip to the West Coast, where these high rollers pay $32,400 apiece for the President to take a selfie with them. The wealthy patriots have no demands on the government, as opposed to the Koch Brothers, whose big-bucks advocacy reflects only narrow self-interest.

The money Obama raises will ensure that the "Guatemalan" "refugees" streaming into the U.S. are promptly returned home, after being given lawyers, social workers, multiple EBT cards, prayer rugs, and guidance on how to face Mecca.

Obama has attended 73 Democrat fundraising events this election cycle — even more than his golf games. But White House spokesman Josh said in Earnest that even the President's golfing raises money for serious statecraft, through side bets on individual holes. He said Obama can perform all his duties and attend to and create crises while on the road, as Wikia has given him a free iPad.

The Republican opposition in Congress has been silent on the use of Democratic Party money to run the government, as its leadership is in court, suing to get Obama to obey the law. They have filed a writ known as the Pretty Please — the same form that Obama himself used to ask Vladimir Putin to cough up the data recorder of downed Flight 17. The Republicans have offered no policy alternatives, as they believe any actual ideas might interfere with their march to recapture the Senate this November, a task that is crucial to enabling them to repeal Obama-care (either that, or apply minor tweaks so that it "works" better).

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