UnNews:Obama changes name
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Obama changes name
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, March 27, 2017, 08:49:UTC)(
11 January 2007
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WASHINTON, D. C. - Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) announced yesterday during a press conference that his petition to change his name has been granted and that, henceforth, he will be known as Benny Jett.
“Barrack sounds like a military housing facility,” Sen. Jett said. “And Obama sounds too much like Osama, as in bin Laden. I don’t want to be associated with either the military or the Al Qaeda leader. I want to be associated with peace and joy.”
The junior senator has presidential ambitions, insiders claim, and the former cocaine freak wants to maintain his squeaky clean image. “The public doesn’t care about candidates who abuse drugs,” Jett said, citing the successful campaign of President Bush, “a known DUI offender.”
Cocaine use is tolerable, as the former mayor of Washington, D. C., Marion Barry proved when, despite his arrest and imprisonment on cocaine charges, he was subsequently reelected to the city’s highest office. However, the American people, Jett contends, “are not as forgiving of men who have worn their country’s uniform, and they’re not too fond of Osama, either.” It’s best to steer clear of both the U. S. military and Osama bin Laden, Jett says, “because they’re both violent killers.”
Jett chose the name Benny because "it has a Biblical ring to it,” he said, and he selected “Jett” because “jet, with one ‘t,’ means black, and ‘Jett,’ capitalized, with two ‘t’s,’ may remind people of the feel-good song Benny and the Jets. I hope the feel-good feeling transfers to me, so the people feel good about Sen. Benny Jett.”
A lot can ride on a name, the senator contends. “Would John Wayne have been as popular if he’d gone by his real name, Marion Michael Morrison? No more than would Roy Scherer, better known as Rock Hudson, or Norma Jean Baker, whom Americans knew and loved as Marilyn Monroe. It’s all in the name. Barack Obama would have been a loser, but Benny Jett’s going to be a winner in 2008!”
Told of Jett’s prediction, Sen. Hilary Clinton (who also sometimes goes by Rodham) replied, “We’ll just see about that.”