UnNews:Obama cancels Christmas
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Obama cancels Christmas
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015, 02:36 (UTC)
30 November 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama announced a decision to halt out-of-control spending in America, cancelling this year's “Christmas.” But the Republican opposition complained that the decision was nearly two years overdue.
Officials estimated that the temporary freeze on the holiday tradition will save at least $4 billion over the next several months--money which would otherwise be spent on frivolous material possessions and horrendously kitschy decorations.
Said the president in a speech on Sunday: "The truth is that getting this deficit under control is going to require broad sacrifice, and that sacrifice must be shared by all citizens. I want to remind you that this is by no means a solution to our problems, but a step forward nonetheless."
With the nation over a trillion dollars in debt and citizens from all walks of life voicing their outrage, Obama has good reason to bring such a policy into place at this time.
The policy of holiday cancellation is in fact, surprisingly, nothing new to the administration. Last year, Obama had begun using the innovative financial strategy on a much smaller scale.
“Initially I had only intended to cancel Christmas for some of my aides and certain White House staff members who I didn't like, like Greg over there (what a dick). But sure enough, the money we were saving proved not nearly enough.”
Over the past several weeks, with unemployment still lingering at dangerous levels, Republicans in both the House and Senate continually pressured the president to extend the policy to all Americans but it was not until fairly recently that he finally gave in. Almost two years and countless Indian burns later, the decision was made public.
"It was not an easy decision, not by any means," said the president. "Originally I was gonna go tell Michelle on them but she was busy with the kids and all and I didn't want to bother her, so eventually John Boehner and the gang won out. Call it a victory for bipartisanship."
He then went on to announce plans for the future:
"Next we are thinking about getting rid of Easter, perhaps more importantly, cutting down on QVC‘s air time. Have you seen those porcelain dolls they were feauring the other night? That shit was creepy. No one should be buying those, not in THIS economy."
- Christi Parsons and Lisa Mascaro "Obama proposes two-year pay freeze for federal workers". Los Angeles Times, November 29, 2010