UnNews:Obama calls for kinder, gentler police force

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Obama calls for kinder, gentler police force

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19 May 2015

Riot gear

No, no, no! These are bad, bad cops.

CAMDEN, New Jersey -- Reacting to the violence that started in Ferguson, Missouri, and seems to be spreading across the nation like the dandelions in your neighbor's lawn, President Obama has called for a kinder, gentler police force, and is restricting the gear available to local police forces. Gear on the watch list includes unmanned aerial vehicles, some specialized firearms, explosives, and riot gear including kevlar helmets, bullet-proof vests, bullets, and athletic cups.

“We’ve seen how militarized gear can sometimes give people a feeling like there’s an occupying force, as opposed to a force that’s part of the community that’s protecting them and serving them,” the president said here on Monday. “We’re going to prohibit some equipment made for the battlefield that is not appropriate for local police departments. We no longer want the police to have helmets, bullet-proof vests, or protective gear of any kind. It's just too scary for most people to handle.”

Obama policeman

Still not good enough, too many weapons.

Police commissioners across the nation have drafted an open letter indicating their support of the administration's policy. In part, the letter states that most departments feel that there is no need for the police to wear protective gear of any kind. "Our policemen are fully capable", says one section of the letter, "of going into a riot wearing nothing more than a jock strap and wielding nothing more than a wet noodle, and still being able to fully quell the riot in a matter of minutes."

A small minority of police departments across the country do have some concerns about the new policies, but the Administration assures them that they will still be able to obtain the gear if they meet specific stipulations and training requirements. All departments that want continued access to the gear will be required to undergo 100 hours of annual training for each officer in the department. This training will include watching episodes of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood and Barney to promote kindness, and the Teletubbies to learn strategy and tactics. Additionally any officer who wishes to carry a firearm will be allowed to carry a single bullet in his or her shirt pocket.

Officer friendly

This is more like it.

Public reaction to the announcement has been positive, especially in minority neighborhoods. Jamal Jenkins of Atlanta, Georgia responded very favorably to the news, "Da' fuzz not gonna have no helmets or guns and stuff? Things gonna be gettin' good 'round here from now on. That Obama's really got our backs. First free cell phones, now this. Oh, yeah, things gonna be gettin' real good."

The Obama policy also includes several additional deliveries of free cell phones to underprivileged citizens and the setup of a toll-free number citizens can call to report any police officer who commits an act of unfriendliness against any person.

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