UnNews:Obama calls Gallup poll "racist" and "homophobic"
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Obama calls Gallup poll "racist" and "homophobic"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 28, 2016, 10:48:UTC)(
19 July 2012
WASHINGTON, D. C. – Barack Obama, who once complained that
Negro colored black African-American men are “always the bridesmaids and never the brides,” must, after his election as the nation's first (or second, if Bill Clinton still counts as the first) Negro colored black African-American president, accept the fact that, at last, during the latter half of his fourth year in office, for him, the former darling of the media, the honeymoon may be finally over.
“It's bad ebough he be gay,” former Obama admirer and supporter Myron Washington Bellmont III, declared, “but then, on top of that, he have to force Obamacare down our throat, making us pay a 'tax' if we want to opt out and get free emergency room medical treatent instead of paying them premiums? I be done with that jive-ass turkey. Come November, I be casting my vote for Romney.”
A USA Today-sponsored Gallup poll shows that Obama's popularity ratings are below those of any president, ever, including Herbert Hoover; George W. Bush, who is nobody's favorite; and Richard (“Tricky Dick”) Nixon.
“With numbers like his,” Obama campaign manager David Axelrod admitted, “Obama can't expect to win an election as dog catcher, especially when he enjoyed Dalmatian steaks and Dachsund weinies as a boy.”
Samantha Lewis, another former Obama constituent, also says she will vote for Romney. “It ain't got nothing to do with him eating no dog, neither,” she said. “A African-American boy gots to do what he's gots to do to survive in whitey's world. Everybody know that. It be the economy, stupid.”
The president is also in hot water among
Negroes coloreds blacks African-Americans because more of their ethnicity than any other minority group is chronically unemployed. “He don't care about his own race, long as he can hold onto his fancy house, his servants, and his boyfriends,” Sheila Black insists. “I be voting for Mitt. He may be a honky, but at least he don't pretend to be black or heterosexual like Obama do.”
The president also faces increasing criticism from all corners, including that of many university economists, concerning how he plans to pay back the $15 trillion in national debt he has run up during his administration.
“He can't just keep printing more money,” Dr. Lester Davis, of Tuskegee University, insists. “There aren't enough trees on the North American continent—or anywhere else—to print his way out of that magnitude of debt.”
Obama took issue with his critics, as he did with the poll. “The numbers, in both cases, are wrong,” he said. “Somebody misplaced a decimal point in there somewhere.”
His plan to boost the economy is to have the U. S. Treasury Department force every American to purchase a Super Lotto ticket or face a stiff tax penalty. “That way, whoever wins the lottery can be taxed at a higher rate than everyone else in the country, and we can pay off as much as .00000000000000000000001 percent of the nation's debt. It's a win-win situation.”
It's just such innovative ideas as this, the president claims, that will get him re-elected in the fall. “Americans respond to ideas, not rhetoric,” he said. “Besides, that Gallup poll is racist and homophobic and probably un-American”