UnNews:Obama bails out Michael Jackson
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Obama bails out Michael Jackson
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 29, 2015, 09:49:UTC)(
1 July 2009
WASHINGTON, DC -- In an effort to revive the bankrupt pop star, President Barack Obama has announced a $250 million bailout of Michael Jackson. The legislation, which Obama expects Congress to pass within the next week, will purchase Jackson's trouble assets, including Neverland Ranch, placing the King of Pop and his estate under government ownership.
Under Obama's plan, Jackson would be kept alive through a small national glove tax. The musical sensation is required to produce more fuel efficient albums and adopt international standards for sexually-explicit lyrics. Periodic checkups from a newly-appointed Pop Czar will ensure Jackson is complying with these new musical protocols, as implemented by Secretary of Pop Justin Timberlake.
"We cannot stand by and let our celebrities die," President Obama announced at a press conference Tuesday. "It's time to chart a new course in American celebrity politics."
Secretary Timberlake clarified that the bailout is only the first step in a comprehensive reform of Michael Jackson, declaring that Republican critics of Jackson reform "don’t know how to act/so turn around and I'll pick up the slack."
The $250 million alone may not be enough to completely revive Michael Jackson. Additional measures to be taken include capping Quincy Jones's salary and consolidating the Jackson 5 to three members to save costs.
The president's administration fell under early criticism for establishing the Department of Pop in the first 100 days. Though legislation to regulate excessive corporate boogieing failed to pass Congress, Obama warned that pop regulation was necessary to prevent falling stars, tragic deaths, and sophomore slumps.
"Our Founding Fathers once said that at the heart of this country is its funk, and I believe that still holds true today," he declared after the decisive defeat.
With critics silenced, Obama has begun utilizing emergency powers to pass sweeping legislation of not just Michael Jackson, but other beloved at-risk icons such as Prince and Lady Gaga. Pop Czar Madonna is expected to begin regulation of Jackson's estates in early August.
Michael Jackson was unavailable for comment.