UnNews:Obama arrives in Afghanistan, braves RPG, sniper fire (LIVE)
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Obama arrives in Afghanistan, braves RPG, sniper fire (LIVE)
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 13:46:UTC)(
29 March 2010
NAUGHT, Afghanistan (LIVE) -- ("RPG!" - Sssssh-BOOM!!) Ah, President Obama rallied U.S. and NATO troops and (Zeeooo-Wham), pledged continued partnership with, (BLAM! “Whoa!”) Afghanistan during a previously (“in-coming!” Whoosh, Ker-POW), unannounced trip to the country Sunday (Eeeooouuu-kaaBOOM!).
Speaking to (POW-pow-pow-blam), to about 200,000 U.S. and allied troops (“Kiss my ass you rag-head bastards!” – zinggg-pow-pow), ah, within a secure “safe-zone” in a major U.S. base in Afghanistan, while under heavy RPG, mortar, and sniper fire (Pop-pop-pop). Obama said, "Those folks back home.. (Eeeeoooou..) ..are relying on you." (BOOM!).
(Ratatatat-Pop-pop) "Ah, I know it's not easy," he said, as the hostile projectiles and bullets kept raining down. (“Aaaaargh!”-POW-POW) "you're far ("Fire in the hole!" BLAM!), ah, far away from home. You miss your kids, (“Die infidel dogs!”), you miss your spouses, your family (kaa-BHAM), ah, your friends." ("Wogs in the wire!") ..But he added - while dodging close-range RPG fire. (Whoosh BHAM!) "If I thought for a minute that America's (“Ahhhh, argh!”), vital interests were not served, were not (BOOM), ah, here in Afghanistan, I would order all of you (WHAM-poppoppop), home right away." (Zzzzzzzzinggg-BLAM!).
After changing from a suit into a bullet-proof protective bubble (Ratttttt – BOM-pow), ah, Obama (BLAM-BLAM), told the troops they were making progress against (popopopop-BHAM), al Qaeda and its allies in the Taliban, the (Veeee-Boom), the Islamic fundamentalist militia (BOOM! ratatatat), that ruled most of Afghanistan before the 9/11 (POW-BHAM!), the 9/11 attacks (zing, ziiiing).
|Goddamn, that was close! We're all standin' together out here in the open listening to this clown in the middle of a firefight!|
"We are (Taattttttt–zing, POW), surely (ka-BLAM), winning here!” Obama concluded, before (ziiiing), making a hasty exit in a bulletproof tank being chased away by Taliban jihadists, as (BOOOM!!) the 200,000 U.S. and allied troops run for cover.
- Jane Fosdick "Afghan war remains 'absolutely essential,' Obama says". CNN – LIVE REPORT, March 29, 2010