UnNews:Obama admits to belief in Martians
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Obama admits to belief in Martians
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 5, 2016, 04:48:UTC)(
15 August 2012
MARS – President Barack Obama recently confessed to belief in “little green men.” He telephoned National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) officials, ordering them to notify him immediately if the Curiosity rover spots any Martians while it roams the red planet's surface.
“As everybody, with the possible exceptions of Mitt Romney and his puppet, Paul Ryan, knows, Martians have green skin.” Their pigmentation, thought to be the effect of chloroplasts in their bloodstream, qualifies them, the president says, for membership in the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAAP), an organization, consisting of primarily
Negro colored black African-American colored people.
“We've been thinking of ways to expand the NAACP's membership rolls for some time,” Obama admitted. “Due to black-on-black crime, the incarceration of the black criminal element, deaths by drive-by, the disproportionate execution of black prisoners, abortions of unwanted black babies, and lynchings, the organization's numbers have dwindled over the past three or four decades, and, to rebuild the membership rolls, we had once considered admitting Hispanics—I mean, Latinos—to the roster, even though they aren't really all that colorful, compared to the brothers and sisters in the 'hood.”
Martians, he suggested, were the “perfect” alternative to admitting
“They're green,” Obama said, 'and, as such, they are living, breathing incarnations of the eco-friendly movement to go Green and save the Earth.” The irony of Martians saving the Earth seemed lost on the president.
“More importantly,” Obama said, “they're likely to vote Democratic and help me to get re-elected, so I can hold on to my big house, my helicopter, and my servants.”
The expected flood of illegal Martian immigrants, the White House confirmed, is expected to help the president to avoid putting people “back in chains,” as Vice-president Joseph Biden threatened to do to members of his mostly black audience in Danville, VA (the state in which much of the Civil War was waged).
Some contend that Obama intends to enslave white Americans as payback for whites' enslavement, over 150 years ago, of African men and women whom rival tribes captured and sold to European and American slave traders.
“Now that we have illegal Martian immigrants, coming, perhaps, by the millions,” Obama said, “we can beef up our protection of our nation's borders: we don't need Mexicans anymore.”
In his telephone call to NASA, Obama thanked scientists for their service to their country and asked them to seek unintelligent life elsewhere, on planets that might have conditions that would favor the evolution of non-Caucasian skin color. “We can never have enough illegals, regardless of their nation or planet of origin,” he affirmed.