UnNews:Obama administration plans to monitor the Internet

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17 April 2011

Super obama

Obama plans to rescue the Internet.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Barack Obama unveiled a new plan, which could lead to even more government control than his health care reforms, to monitor the Internet. Obama had this to say on the measure:

There is just so much that goes on in the Internet, and there is no one monitoring what is going on. I mean, the FCC can monitor and censor what goes on television, so why not monitor the Internet like we do television, or video games, or you know, things like that.

The Obama administration said the proposal was not made to censor dissent of itself, or in any other similar form of censorship, but rather to scramble the really vile things the Internet can produce.

The government would require a password for each user, pre-approved by his ISP. This will ensure safety so the government will be able to bust people who put illegal and provocative content on their websites. There are already 8.3 million people who have signed on to the plan, and many more will follow.

Homeland Security secretary Janet Napolitano stressed that the plan is entirely voluntary, like the program under which uniformed jetway screeners feel inside the panties of six-year-old girls. "No one has to fly," she said. The secure passwords for Internet users would come from a key fob, a license plate, or your DNA, which should already be on file at the Health Choices Administration, and Napolitano expects wide, voluntary compliance from citizens who want to surf to popular web sites, enjoy their usual tax deductions, or get health care.

Some people do not like the idea of the Internet being monitored by the United States government. These are the same people who take no issue with the FCC. John Berger of Snake's Hips, Utah said:

I take issue with privacy and what I do in my own home. It is not the government's right to regulate the Internet. I pay for it!

But the federal government is going to pay more for it; initially, a mere $27 billion for all the cybersecurity measures to be put in place for monitoring. Critics call the measure yet another reflection of President Obama's desire for more government control. Commentator Bill O'Reilly said:

Censoring the Internet? Man, this guy is really taking it too far. Sure, pinheads put some really rude crap on there, but I think we should just deal with it. When is he gonna learn that the nanny state just won't work? He ought to be paying George Orwell royalty checks.

Supporters of the measure applaud Obama's plan of making the Internet a safer place for people to visit. One Sally O'Conner of Georgia said:

I like this idea. There's some really bad stuff that the government needs to scrap in order to make this Internet a safe place even for young kids who really don't need to see the smut that the Internet offers.

Ms. O'Conner had planned to parlay her concern for young kids into a seat on the Alpharetta School Board until it mysteriously came out yesterday that her secure password had an affinity for p0rn websites.

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