UnNews:Obama "too busy" to help fellow Democrats
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Obama "too busy" to help fellow Democrats
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 06:05 (UTC)
12 June 2012
WASHINGTON, AC-DC – In a recent radio address intended to recall Franklin Delano Roosevelt's cozy “fireside chats,” President Barack Obama explained
away his failure to help Democrats, or “Dem cats,” as he phrased it, overturn embattled Wisconsin cheesehead Governor Scott Walker. “It's every man for himself,” the president said. “Besides, now that I've outed myself on national television, I'm too busy, if you catch my drift.”
Obama's popularity has soared—among gay men. Apparently, his many homosexual
admirers constituents are keeping him very “busy,” indeed. “Since my announcement concerning my true sexual orientation,” Obama said, “the boys just won't leave me alone!” Offering reporters at his press conference a smile, the president added, “I'm loving every minute of it!”
He hasn't even had time for his wife and daughters, Obama lamented.
Obama's campaign guru, David Axelrod, later explained that the president “misspoke” (again). He meant to say, “As president of the United States, he has a lot of responsibilities, but his teleprompter wasn't working and he had to speak extemporaneously.”
However, Obama did say that he “supported” the recall election that the Democrats mounted against Walker. “He's not gay, so he has no right to hold office in Wisconsin or anywhere else in this great nation,” the president said.
For his part, Obama is “doing all I can to ensure that I myself am reelected this November. As busy as I am, with all my
admirers' constituents' demands for various types of 'jobs,' I make time for what's truly important: my own reelection.”
Asked what type of “jobs” his constituents were seeking in an economy gone south, Obama said, “You know, the usual: blow, hand, whatever.”
Axelrod said that his boss, once again, “misspoke.” “He meant to say—well, I'm not sure what he meant to say at this point, but I do know it wasn't whatever it was that he did say.”
Could the president of the United States actually have been making reference to sexual acts, such as fellatio (“blow job”) and masturbation (“hand job”)? “Not to me, he wasn't” Axelrod answered. “At least, not so far.”
Asked whether the failure of the recall election in Wisconsin could have a “ripple effect” across the nation during the general election this November, Obama said, “I am doing all I can to ensure that that doesn't happen. I've already played the race card, the gender card, and the gay card, and I have lots of other cards left up my sleeve--and elsewhere--yet to play.”
During his address, his
infamous Blackberry telephone alerted him to his receipt of a call. A picture of a portion of the male anatomy appeared on his telephone's screen, and the president said, “Oh, my gosh! It's Tim! We'll have to finish this later. Right now, I'm busy—or will be, soon enough.”
He answered the telephone. “Yes, honey, it's 'Pansy,' your commander-in-chief.”