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Obama "goes it alone" on State of the Union

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21 January 2015

State of union

Because Filipino tilt-a-whirl operators are our nation's backbone.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- US President Barack Obama went against the advice of White House staff and wrote his own State of the Union Address, taking inspiration from great speech writers, such as Toby Ziegler, Will Ferrell and Barack Obama.

In the opening statement, the President said he had “turned a page.” It soon became clear he was indeed starting the epilogue. With the present effectively off the table, Mr. Obama spent his time looking back – and forward; as the Head of State continued to go against the convention of outlining the agenda for future US policy.

Instead, Mr. Obama asserted that the slight downturn in unemployment and slight upturn in economic growth was all his doing, so he had the last laugh, just as Republicans moved in to both houses of Congress for the first time since 2007.

As for the delivery of the speech, it was clear the President had spent a great deal of time honing his vocalization of the last four words of each paragraph, in a Cam Bradyesque, mid-pitch monotone, to emphasise his pseudo-passion, dispassionately. Mr. Obama then went on to promote his own agenda, which is to launch a pop music career.

“I have been told that my talent lies somewhere between Joaquin Phoenix and William Shatner, both very successful second career rappers,” said the world’s most powerful leader.

In a later interview with Cody Keenan, the President’s speechwriter said, “We had a top team working on this address and it was all great stuff. We described laying the future foundations of a focused domestic policy, and a robust road map for international affairs – highlighting the real and present danger posed by terrorism in today’s society, etc.

“But the President insisted that everyone is bored of hearing all that crap and we best get on with targeting Snoop Dogg’s music promoter, Russ Redeaux.”

Mr. Obama closed the address by leaping off the rostrum and running a “victory lap” around a dozing auditorium, rousting several members of the congregation awake and making them spill their popcorn.

CNN’s Ruben Navarette, who attended the address, described the President’s speech as “horseshit.”

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