UnNews:Obama: We're not responsible for drones with US Army emblem's actions
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Obama: We're not responsible for drones with US Army emblem's actions
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 27, 2016, 00:40:UTC)(
27 May 2011
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Barack H. Obama released a statement earlier today denying any responsibility whatsoever for the material damages and civilian casualties caused by the unmanned drones that have been roaming around Pakistan recently, while sympathizing with the innocent victims' families. He valiantly took the stand and condemned the rebellious machines' actions:
"Look, it is quite obvious NO ONE is responsible for this; they are unmanned. They do what they want," said the US President. "Besides, is it true that they have the US flag painted on them? What... Really?!? Well, it's not because they were fabricated in some facility here that they are automatically under our control. Who knows who operates them? This is just hypothesis and conjectures at this point."
Obama pursued on a lighter note, making everybody in attendance smile somewhat awkwardly:
"The people asserting that we control these crazy planes are probably the ones who will swear that my real name is Barry Soetoro or even that I have been an Indonesian citizen and so am not eligible to be president," said
Indonesian Barry Soet American Barack Obama.
At this moment, seemingly eager to address the subject, conspiracy theorist Alex Jones produced a megaphone he had dissimulated in one of his rolls of fat, but quick-thinking FBI agents tased him before he could exercise his right to weigh in on the matter. The smell of toasted bacon lingering in the air afterward was poignant.
The Commander-in-Chief has been responding to an uproar in criticism brought upon by citizens on the receiving end of the numerous explosive devices dropped by the mysterious flying objects. A Pakistani citizen who witnessed firsthand the destruction was reached over the phone yesterday. The 39 year old construction worker went on to say:
"I don't hold any grudge in particular toward Obama or the American people for what happened to my house. It's just, you know, I'd like to know who did this. I'm sure my wife and 3 kids would too, if they were still alive."
When asked for further precisions as to why the drones apparently took-off and landed on US airfields, Colonel Kentucky F. Cracken, commander of the Eil-Itlehr military base, looked genuinely baffled:
"Yes, I saw these peculiar planes that had no pilot come here, roll to our hangars, steal our gasoline and ammunition then unexpectedly take-off whenever they wanted to and I was like 'What the hell is going on here? What could they possibly want?' But I didn't push the investigation further. I'm a busy man, you know."
A week ago, Reuters reported four mysterious drones had dropped bombs on the Pakistani city Al-Charia, killing 25. In what seems to be a coincidence of gargantuan proportions, Al Qaida's Jack of Spades, Bi-Had Da Infe-dalz (ٱلْقَذَّافِيّ) and twenty-four collateral damages were squashed during the high-tech mosquitoes' show of destruction.
General Petraeus, the highest ranking US military member, was finally able to shed some light on the nebulous subject:
"I really think these planes have some kind of artificial intelligence, did you ever see the movie The Matrix? It's like they have some agenda of their own. I mean, that is the kind of totally independent machines you don't want to have against you. We sure as hell don't control them, but boy are we glad they appear to be on our side."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|