UnNews:Obama: "Iran will have a nuke by 2167!"
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Obama: "Iran will have a nuke by 2167!"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 01:19:UTC)(
30 September 2011
Washington DC, USA -- The world is holding its breath in fear after a recent CIA investigation revealed the Iranian government is actively working on the development of nuclear weapons. The thorough CIA report, released today, details Iranian plans to steal designs and build the weapons under the dubious title "Desert Tan Project".
During an alarming speech before Congress, President Obama addressed the issue yesterday: "My fellow Americans, the time is grave indeed. We have solid intelligence to the effect that the Iranians could, in fact, possess a nuke as early as the year 2167, or even 2166." At this point, a solemn and chilling silence fell on the attendants, punctuated only by the sounds of trousers being soiled.
"If there is anything history has taught us... um... Could you please raise the teleprompter? I can't see crap. Thanks. Ahem... If there is anything history has taught us," continued Obama, discreetly shoving the nuclear football out of sight beneath the lectern, "it's that a nation possessing a nuclear weapon will inevitably lead to the end of civilization."
The CIA's statement explained how they came to the aforementioned conclusion, thanks to evidence obtained on Iranian soil. An excerpt from the report:
|"[...] at which point Agent (redacted), disguised as a cactus, saw the Iranian elite scientist walk out of the wooden shed with a yellow liquid in a glass jar. Yellow being the coloration of aqueous uranium, he quickly made the obvious connection. The scientist, who was highly camouflaged thanks to his farmer's disguise, then made his way to the barn where he proceeded to make it look like he was feeding his cattle [...]"|
"These revelations are disturbing, to say the least," commented Secretary of State Hilarious Clinton at a crucial press meeting. "I want to remind all Americans that when the nuclear blast comes, I, like them, will be wearing the safest protection: a FEMA-approved anti-radiation suit, made by a company that Bill and I just happen to own. These are the best anti-radiation suits in the world, and we are literally giving them away for 3 easy payments of $499! Oh, and Bill told me to remind you that if you call within the next 60 minutes, you'll get a second one FREE! Thank you and God bless America."
In an official press release, Iranian Prime minister Mahmūd Ahmadinejad briefly reacted to the serious allegations raised against his country:
President Obama concluded his vibrant speech by stating, "I therefore stand before you this morning to introduce bill H.R. 203, which will authorize the funding needed to build numerous nuclear shelters...and my will, since there is no way in hell we're going to survive this shit anyway."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|