UnNews:Obama's senate seat for sale at police auction
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Obama's senate seat for sale at police auction
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, December 5, 2016, 18:57:UTC)(
10 December 2008
SPRINGFIELD, IL -- The Springfield Police Department announced Wednesday its plans to sell President-elect Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat among other items seized from disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich (D). Police obtained the governor's property in a raid following his arrest on Tuesday on corruption charges.
Springfield Police Chief Ralph Caldwell announced the auction early Wednesday, proving a list of items seized from Blagojevich's estate. "We are shocked and amazed by the value of the governor's property," Caldwell admitted at a press conference. "No one at the department expected this unprecedented wealth of confiscated riches."
Other items for sale include:
- One old, half-finished jar of mayonnaise
- Over 200 pornographic movies (homemade videos and Blu-Ray discs withstanding)
- Twenty bongs
- Eight diamond-encrusted diamonds
- Several presidential and gubernatorial elections, presumably stolen
- The car keys you lost last week
Initial appraisal estimates these items are "fucking valuable."
Most significantly, Blagojevich's basement contained the legendary sea-monster of Dead Man's Cove, which is in fact a large vacuum extension. Governor Blagojevich would likely have gotten away with it had it not been for meddling, kids.
- "Blowout auction this Sunday! Wide selection of appointments for all ages!". CNN, December 10, 2008