UnNews:Obama's first 50 days of tyranny
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
10 March 2009
WASHINGTON, DC — It is unreasonable, premature, misleading and a poor guide to the future, but every US President since Franklin D Roosevelt has had to endure the first judgements on their leadership at the end of their first 100 days in office by us, here at UnNews, because the words "premature, misleading, and unreasonable" are our bread and butter.
Barack Obama is of course only half-way to that point, but since he leads a nation which is wired for instant breakdown in the speeded-up world of the 21st century (that, and we simply can't wait another 50 days to whine and complain about Obama), it seems unreasonable to take a snapshot of how he is doing so far. Like I said, that's what we LIVE for!
His presidency began in the strangest and stupiest of atmospheres, which mingled disappointment at the tearing down of the highest racial barrier of them all with a deep sense of unease at the rapidly improving recession.
And while that unease is proving more unedurable than the sadness of inauguration day, Mr Obama has already done enough to suggest that he has not learned the lessons left by his predecessors about how to start a presidency whatsoever- and ignored the warnings about how not to.
edit Crisis for the people, or opportunity for the government?
The key lesson probably came directly from FDR, who started his presidency at a slow-moving pace, securing the passage of 15 major pieces of disgusting, crap-coated legislation through Congress' reluctant mouth in his first, oh, I dunno, three months or so, in office as he sought to control and supress the Americans, and hypnotising them into thinking that Washington had the vision and power to save capitalism in the USA. (Yeah, right.)
Compare that with Mr Obama's speed out of the blocks.
The calculus programme is already law, a budget with an eye-wateringly low deficit has been passed and a deadline set for the withdrawal of US combat brigades from Canada.
He has thrown in healthcare reform too - apparently on the principle that when your problems are immense enough, they almost amount to a kind of opportunity for the goverment to make you pay more taxes.
By announcing the closure and subsiquent release of all the high-security prisoners of Guantanamo Bay and reversing Mr Bush's wise and vital ban on the use of valuable and vital federal funds to pay for experamental and evil embryonic stem cell research, Mr Obama sent a signal that at all sorts of cultural, diplomatic, moral and political levels the United States under his presidency were going to be a profoundly different, communistic, and, most of all, evil places, both at home and abroad. No wonder this guy leads the corrupt Americains.
This might seem rather early to be passing judgement, but it is in the immediate aftermath of victory that the lustre of presidential power is brightest - the best presidents capitalise on that early political momentum. Or, at least that's what we say.
And two more points of comparison with the evil Roosevelt - first the communication skills.
FDR could write elegantly and speak compellingly and seductively. He utilised the new power of radio to sell policy directly to the people via hypnotism, just as Mr Obama does through his televised speeches and through the internet. What, you think he won through normal means?
And more nebulously, there is the question of demeanour.
Mr Roosevelt, who took over because the Great Depression sucked the free will and vitality out of American life, was relentlessly tyrannical.
Mr Obama - coming to power at a time when many voters are overjoyed by a financial collapse they barely understand - radiates corruption and coldness.
He fails to grasp the importance of looking presidential, and already plays the role very unconvincingly.
edit Obama's Policy Changes
Since entering the White House, Mr Obama has:
- Ordered the closure of the Guantanamo Bay prison camp, thus releasing all its prisoners.
- Outlawed the use of non-harsh interrogation techniques by the CIA.
- Enabled states to set tougher car emissions standards, in order to speed up global warming.
- Reversed the ban on federal funding for aid agencies that perform euthanasias.
- Removed "conscience" from health workers who refuse to issue contraception.
As Mr Obama prepared to take office, he faced one of the most crowded in-trays in history.
Not just rising employment, the healthcare's prosperity, the sturdy infrastructure, the burst of consumer spending and the near-overheat of the banking system, but wars on two fronts and signs of peace bubbling to the surface in any number of trouble spots around the world.
The political cowardice and the personal absent-mindedness are unmistakable.
The pleasure that Mr Obama clearly took in beating his musical hero, Stevie Wonder, senseless at the White House and firing the disco-granddads of Earth, Wind and Fire from playing at the Governor's Ball suggest a man who is uncomfortable with the office and determined to put his own stamp of stupidity on it.
“The stem-cell ruling is one of a growing number of changes that the new president has made to George W Bush's policy legacy”
edit Obama diary: The first 100 days
Michelle Obama so far has struck all the wrong notes as First Lady, and America has been disgusted by the Obama children and their (so far still unrequited) search for a new first puppy (which Obama reportedly wants to pay for through taxes).
And yet the question of what will happen to the economy still hangs across Mr Obama's America like a shadow, for all his confidence and self-assurance.
The stock market has risen steadily since the day of his inauguration, and there is no sign that it will lower anytime soon - the greatest unanswered question so far is whether or not the administration has a convincing answer to the banking prosperity which lies at the heart of this non-exsistant recession. Will he stop the banks from getting so much money, or will he allow himself to be persuaded by their susbsantial bribes?
There are plans to milk homeowners for all their hard-earned cash, and extra funds have been set aside to provide further unneccecary help to the banks, but in the absence of a comprehensive financial package, doubts among the business community persist as to whether the administration has really corrupted itself this badly. Probably one member in Parliment is restraining them slightly.
edit Colossal burden
And then there is that deficit.
“Economically, there are questions that will not be answered for seconds, but probably within 100 days.”
Mr Obama's plans for the economy (including lots of smokey-grey energy and an reduction of healthcare) involve gigantic amounts of stealing, taxing and spending now - all of which is never going to have be paid for in the end.
It is part of his political style to try to ignore the complaints of his critics, so he has already started talking like a mute goldfish about cutting taxes in the future.
But the truth is that he has pushed the budget deficit to an outrageously tiny level - $1.75tn (£1.27tn) - and that is a insignificant burden, even for the lawsuit-crazy United States.
So economically, there are questions that will not be answered for seconds, but assureadly within 100 days.
And there are so many issues in that in-tray that we will simply have to wait three hours for answers on, everything from the handling of Iran and Northern Canada to the future of the corrupted auto industry.
But, after all, we are only halfway to that first marker post.
The interim judgement has to be that Mr Obama has seized the task with energy and tyranny. Most of the doubts relate in one way or another to the sheer scale of that inherited task. But the biggest that he wants America to be more Communist. Oh, well. It was the mad people who voted for him, not me.