Obama's divine powers fading
Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out
Tuesday, December 1, 2015, 16:59:UTC)(
29 April 2009
WASHINGTON, USA -- Just a few short months into his term as president, it seems Barack Obama's magical powers are already fading. The US leader, who was elected in November 2008, was credited with a wide range of supernatural and semi-divine powers, including the ability to materialise food to relieve starvation in the Third World, psychically induce a state of calm and well-being in all people and the saintly ability to spiritually heal the sick merely by laying his hands upon them.
However, people are still starving, there are still wars and violence throughout the world and, most telling of all, a man afflicted with the deadly swine flu virus whom Obama blessed with his holy touch died the very next day. "We had tried everything," says Maria Solis, the widow of Mexican archaeologist Felipe who died of the deadly disease last week, "this was our only chance to cure him. Perhaps it was just not the Lord's will that my husband should live."
There were fears that Obama may himself have been infected with the condition through physical contact with the man, but US Government scientists have been quick to allay such worries by pointing out that he is invulnerable to mortal illnesses. "A being of such divine radiance as Obama can walk amongst the sick without risk," says Dr. Ivan Heffelberger, of the Federal Disease Control advisory body. "Much as Jesus could heal those with leprosy, no virus or bacteria can attack him. Through God's will, he is inviolate."
Nationwide, religious congregations of all persuasions are praying that the president's abilities return and that their current loss is merely a temporary feature of the Divine Plan. "It is not for us to question God's will," says Pastor Willy Flayham of the Southern Baptist Rattlesnake Church, "it is our duty only to praise God and to accept His will, even if it causes suffering."
Obama, known to be a close personal friend of God, was unavailable for comment last night. A White House aid informed UnNews that he has been discussing matters with God via his presidential Heaven hotline telephone link and that the president is expected to regain his Christ-like status soon.