UnNews:Obama's autobiography exposed as "blatant lies"
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Obama's autobiography exposed as "blatant lies"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, September 5, 2015, 12:34:UTC)(
21 June 2012
WASHINGTON, DC – According to Washington Post editor and
Foolitzer Pulitzer Prize-winning writer David Maraniss, President Barack Obama may not exist. Maraniss' own research concerning the alleged autobiography that the man who “poses as Barack Obama” supposedly wrote “is a tissue of fabrications and lies.” Many of the incidents that the author claims happened did not occur, Maraniss declared, “unless they took place in his own imagination.”
“It's easier to identify what is not true in the book than it is to identify what is true,” Maraniss said. “The book is just a pack of blatant lies.”
If Maraniss' allegations are true—and they are documented, with several witnesses agreeing that "Obama's" book is inaccurate—the supposed autobiography is indeed more fictional than it is accurate. “The man who calls himself Barack Obama does not appear to exist,” the editor declared. “No wonder the president—whoever he is—has been unable to produce a satisfactory birth certificate.”
Published in 1995, Obama's book, Nightmares From My Father, tells “an amazing story,” its publishers proclaimed. The problem is that the “narrative is untrue,” Maraniss said. “There's no delicate way to say it: the man who wrote the book is a liar. He is certainly a compulsive, if not, indeed, a pathological liar.”
The claims by the man who calls himself Obama are not “quite as grandiose” as the claim of Al Gore, another Democrat, who bragged that he "single-handedly invented the Internet," Maraniss said. “However, the number of his falsehoods suggests that he should not be trusted, as a person, and especially not as a president.”
World leaders have expressed “concern” that the president of the United States has demonstrated his “unreliability” to a “world audience.” It is difficult, some say, for them to trust anything the president says.
“And they say that I am 'untrustworthy'!” a gleeful Mahmoud Ahmadinejad quipped.
According to Maraniss and his sources, Obama lied about dating white women. “To disguise the fact that whites—or, at least, white women—are not the racists he claims they are, the man who calls himself Obama created composite girlfriends, rolling several of his white dates into one person and characterizing 'her' as African-American, rather than as Caucasian, or identifying them, in some cases, as 'a black boyfriend'.”
One such girlfriend, Carolina Bass, whom Obama—or the man who calls himself Obama—describes as “African-American” is, in fact, white, and of Swiss descent. In his fictitious autobiography, Bass is a downtrodden, exploited, and abused victim of white racism, prejudice, and discrimination, whom he rescues from a life of drudgery, sexual slavery, and drug addiction, simply by dating her.
The man who calls himself Obama also claims that his grandfather,
Obi-wan Kenobi Hussein Onyango, was imprisoned and tortured by Prince Charles during Kenya's fight for its life and independence against the evil British Empire. According to five of Onyango's associates, “this never happened.”
Likewise, the autobiography's claim that
Darth Vader Soewana Martodihardjo, the stepfather of the man who calls himself Obama, was killed by Dutch soldiers during Indonesia's fight for independence is also “bogus.” “The man who wrote Nightmares From My Father is a shameless liar,” Maraniss' sources insist. “How could such a man, whoever he is, be elected to your nation's highest office? It's incredible!”
It also seems likely that the man who calls himself Obama lied about his stepfather's making him eat dogs. Afraid that his stepson was developing “faggot tendencies,” Martodihardjo probably insisted that he eat “pussy.” Given his homo tendencies, “Cat is more believable than dog,” a childhood chum of the man who calls himself Obama said. Maraniss believes that the man who calls himself Obama changed “pussy to dog” in his imaginary life's story because “'dog' sounds more macho, at least to him, than 'pussy.'”
The lies don't stop with allegedly black girlfriends (or boyfriends) who were really white females, nor with falsehoods that dramatize his insignificant relatives' roles (or non-roles) in African nations' fights for independence. He also prevaricates about his athletic prowess. According to the book, the man who calls himself Obama remained benched during most of his college's basketball games because “he can't jump,” although Nightmares claims that he was sidelined because his coaches, all of whom were white, were racists.
The man who calls himself Obama also alleges that his white mother abandoned his black father, whereas, “the truth is that he left her, without ever paying even so much as a penny toward his son's support.”
The fact that it has taken 17 years for the media to report on these “outright lies,” which some news sources insist amount to no more than mere “fibs,” supports claims that the man who calls himself Obama is the "media's darling,” Maraniss said, 'as it does Sean Hannity's charge that the media never 'vetted' the candidate when he was running for president in 2008.”
Reportedly, the man who calls himself Obama (whose real name is Barry, not Barack, and O'bama, not Obama) is Irish, not African-American. He plans a sequel to his bestselling autobiography. “Half of it will be true,” the publisher said, "and the other half will be retractions and errata.”
According to Maraniss, “'errata' is the publisher's synonym for 'lies.'”
Both the publisher and the man who calls himself Obama predict that the sequel to the autobiography will also “top the bestsellers' lists,” because “the American people are suckers for tall tales.”
Interested parties should look for the new volume in their bookstore's “fantasy” section.