UnNews:OJ Simpson Arrested for JonBenet Ramsey Killing
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
17 August 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
BOULDER, Colorado -- A former Heismann Trophy recipient and NFL football player was arrested Wednesday in Thailand in the slaying of 6-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey — a surprise breakthrough in a lurid, decade-old murder case some feared would never be solved.
Federal officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, identified the suspect as Orenthal James Simpson, a 61-year-old American, and one law enforcement official told the media that Boulder police had tracked him down online.
The Ramsey family's attorney in Atlanta pronounced the arrest vindication for JonBenet's parents, John and Patsy Ramsey, who basically everybody believed had done it, because they're so fucking creepy.
The attorney said the Ramseys learned about the suspect a least a month before Patsy Ramsey's death on June 24 after a battle with ovarian cancer. "It's been a very long 10 years, and I'm just sorry Patsy isn't here because of the pussy rot," Wood said.
Simpson was a former football player and actor who once visited Conyers, Georgia, to play golf, said Wood. The attorney said the Ramseys gave police information about Simpson before he was identified as a suspect in their daughter's slaying.
Wood would not say how the Ramseys knew Simpson. But JonBenet was born in Atlanta in 1990, and the Ramseys lived in the Atlanta suburb of Dunwoody for several years before moving to Colorado in 1991.
Wood said Simpson had detailed knowledge of the crime, and apparently knew a lot about killing and getting away with it. A law enforcement source, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the media that Simpson had been communicating periodically with somebody in Boulder who had been following the case and cooperating with law enforcement officials.
District Attorney Mary Lacy said the arrest followed several months of work, but she she said no further details would be released until Thursday.