UnNews:O.J. convicted on all charges
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O.J. convicted on all charges
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, April 27, 2017, 15:05:UTC)(
4 October 2008
LAS VEGAS, Nevada - Many are waking up this beautiful Saturday to find out that O.J. Simpson has been convicted of all charges for an apparent armed robbery and kidnapping that occurred on September 13, 2007. Simpson was charged with 12 counts, including conspiracy to write a book, wearing gloves the don't fit, assaulting a brick, and catnapping a broom handle.
The jury, consisting of nine white middle-aged women who held absolutely no will at all towards O.J. and three men, all of which were known KKK members, took only one hour to deliberate the charges brought against the former gridironer legend. One of the male jurors said after the trial, "The only the reason it took so long was because those bitches all took forever in the goddamn bathroom. Women! Am I right, fellas?!"
On of O.J.'s lawyers asked the white female judge lady if she would kindly allow for him to be out on bond in which she replied "no", despite the fact O.J. has never been a flight risk, as he has an irrational fear of planes.
During the trial, O.J.'s lawyers brought up the fact that O.J. had repeatedly called the police asking if they would be ever so kind to retrieve his deceased mother's sports memorabilia, even going as far as asking the FBI for help. Unfortunately, law enforcement officials thought that he had just been some kid making prank calls, even though he reported the items being stolen in person... On several occasions. Yeah...
The jury consisted of only people who truly believed O.J. didn't kill his white middle-aged wife or that Ron guy, and accusations made by O.J.'s defence team that O.J. was convicted because of that were "completely and infallibly false".
Also, the judge dismissed testimony that O.J. had been singing the national anthem at now-demolished Yankee Stadium in front of thousands of people at the time of the apparent robbery as "hearsay".