UnNews:O.J. Simpson to replace Alberto Gonzales as U.S. attorney general
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O.J. Simpson to replace Alberto Gonzales as U.S. attorney general
Straight talk, from straight faces
Sunday, August 30, 2015, 00:00:UTC)(
15 September 2007
Washington D.C., USA -- O.J. Simpson's armed robbery of a collection of sports memorabilia from a Las Vegas hotel last week may have earned him a job on the White House staff, according to a Washington D.C. news bulletin. According to anonymous sources, George W. Bush hopes to nominate Simpson as a replacement for Alberto Gonzales, the former attorney general who resigned after being put on the spotlight for firing several judges because "they didn't like my new tie".
Simpson caused controversy several years ago when he was arrested for murdering his ex-wife. His trial lasted 11 years. Evidence against Simpson included DNA evidence found at the murder scene, a bloody jersey (with a steak knife in its pocket) that Simpson wore to a game the next day, and the fact that he had loudly said in a press conference the day before the murder: "Well, that's all the questions I'll be answering tonight, I'm off to murder my ex-wife!" However, Simpson pleaded "Not Guilty due to Fame", and was cleared of all charges, despite his release of a book called "I KILLED MY EX-WIFE LOLZ!!!!"
Last week, Simpson and a group of unknown sidekicks broke into a Las Vegas hotel and stole several valuable pieces of sports memorabilia (most of them undergarments worn by football players). He has been questioned by police several times. "We questioned him very thoroughly", says the local chief of police, "First we asked him to recount his NFL victory, then we asked him whether he thought the 49ers had any chance of doing well this season, and then we asked him to sign our sports illustrated magazines. It was a highly thorough interrogation."
Now, Simpson has reportedly been offered the position of attorney general by President George Dubya Bush, to fill in the spot of Alberto Gonzales. "I need a man with your values in the office," Bush reportedly said, "Most people would want me hiring some limp-wristed pansy with only 2 felony indictments, or some lousy, second-rate child molester, but no sirree. The minute I heard about you robbing that hotel, I knew you'd be perfect for the job. If you had done a little drunk driving or something afterwards, it would have been even better, but you'll do. You're the man I need in office. Oh, and be sure to bring your steak knife."
If he is indeed given the new position, his assuming of the job will likely coincide with the publication of George Bush's new book, "If I DID lie to get us into the Iraq War, WHICH I DIDN'T, this is how I WOULD have done it."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|