UnNews:Nuts Magazine is no more

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1 May 2014

NutsMag01

Funereal Edition of Nuts.

LONDON, United Kingdom -- World-famous news-nudes magazine Nuts has ceased publishing after recent flaccid sales figures spelt doom for the ancient publication.

First published in 1477 as Ye Nutts with a free merkin, Nuts magazine had been at every significant historical, political and sexually interesting event for the last 637 years. The magazine had ran the first raunchy woodcuts of King Edward IV's mistress Jane Shore and had carried on publishing a lot of exposed female flesh through the centuries except during the Commonwealth when Oliver Cromwell had it banned and burnt as a 'lewdy-Nudey magazine' in the 1640s.

The longevity of the magazine was down to a lot of very sexually starved and frustrated Englishmen. The magazine had many ups and downs, circulation rising and drooping at regular intervals. Now Nuts has finally gone, killed off by the Internet and free fapping material.

"I was sad to see it go," said retired veteran pornographer David Sullivan and part owner of West Ham Utd football club. "We all grew up with Nuts. It was the magazine that showed me where women kept their breasts and everything due south. Now young men can find it all with a few swipes of an iPad and a box of wet wipes."

NutsMag02

First edition in 1477.

These were some of Nuts exclusives:-

  • Queen Anne Boleyn's last spread before she married King Henry VIII and had her head cut off.
  • Nell Gwynne's saucy paintings posed for King Charles II before she died from a poisoned orange.
  • Lucy Pinder.

The magazine had gone through various owners and had been re-launched to appeal to male readers interested in more than breasts and bums but failed to reach that market.


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