Numbers at all time low
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 09:44:UTC)(
20 September 2011
CITY OF LONDON, United Kingdom -- Bleary-eyed mathematicians and economists are waking to a new global-era. An era in which we, consumers, fathers, and mothers, must adapt our lifestyles to live with considerably lower numbers than we have come to expect in modern times.
No more was this evident than in the world's finances. The Dow Jones Industrial Average started the week at 12143. It finished at a number lower (11444).
UnNews financial expert Burnt Sandwich explained the significance of this change: "It is deceiving that 12143 and 11444 have the same amount of digits, 11444 is a lower number. People become confused because the double '1' followed by an almost unprecedented triple '4', make this an extremely pleasing number aesthetically."
The lowering of numbers has also affected graphs, with the lines in general creating a downward slope like a garage door nearly closed, rather than the more calming upwards arrangement. Excel enthusiast Benjumin Spilt did not mince his words: "Graphs are ruined!".
The lack of more substantial numbers has caused many in the education arena to question whether the current competence level in maths of school leavers can be maintained. Education Secretary Michael Gove admitted there were already cutbacks, confirming that Primary School children will have their timestables cut by 25%.
"The 12 times-table is a luxury we can't afford. 9x9 still provides a suitable challenge for children of that age", he told UnNews.
In the Eurozone, the Italian country Italy has suffered numbers of such simplicity that calculators have been largely abandoned. Credit agency 'Standard and Poor' finally reacted today, downgrading the country's credit rating from AAA+A++ to AAA+A+. Italian PM Silvio Berluscon reacted immediately by outlawing dividing and limiting subtractions to "rounding-down in only the most necessary circumstances."
Ireland have now officially abandoned numeracy altogether, becoming a nation of purely grammar and comprehension. Even economic powerhouse China have been forced to dip into the vast reserves of the number 6 they have stockpiled in large Guangzhou warehouses.