UnNews:Nuclear blast fails to settle Kim Jong Il's hair
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Nuclear blast fails to settle Kim Jong Il's hair
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 27, 2016, 04:21:UTC)(
25 May 2009
SEOUL, South Korea -- The secretive North Korean regime conducted a surprise nuclear test on Monday, rattling the nerves of countries worldwide, but nevertheless failing to achieve its primary goal. Military intelligence sources assert that the totalitarian country's ultimate goal is to pacify its leader Kim Jong Il's bouffant haircut, which has so far resisted all attempts of combing.
About a decade ago North Korean barbers finally concluded that an atomic blast would be the only possible way to manage Kim's wild hair. Ever since, the small Asian country has been devoting all its resources in pursuing a nuclear program, much to the dismay of western leaders. U.S. President Bill Clinton once offered to send a team of professional hairdressers to help resolve the crisis, but Kim Jong Il refused based on national pride.
In 2006 the country conducted its first nuclear test, with a device that generated barely 1 kiloton of energy. That experiment was an utter failure, with reports indicating that Kim's hair merely fluttered a little, as if in a gentle summer breeze. In 6-nation negotiations that followed the incident, Kim eventually promised to learn to live with his unkempt hair, but apparently he had deceived everyone; the country had been secretly working on producing a more effective bomb over the past three years.
Monday explosion took place shortly before 10am local time and register as a 4.5 earthquake. Early reports from inside the isolated country indicate that although the effects were more noticeable than in 2006, the leader's hair is still far from normal. Spy satellite photos of Kim's head show a few strands have aligned together, but they are few and far between. Still, the North Koreans are optimistic and have promised to "build a hydrogen bomb" if that's what it takes to finally get their dear leader a proper haircut.
- Justin McCurry, Tania Branigan "North Korea tests nuclear weapon 'as powerful as Hiroshima bomb'". Guardian, May 25, 2009