UnNews:Now we can get log-rolling going

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Now we can get log-rolling going

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6 November 2014

By John Boehner and Mitch McConnell

Let the games begin!!!

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Americans have entrusted Republicans with control of both the House and the Senate. As we took pains to run a collection of fashion models and even a Negro, without telling anyone what we intended to do, we are humbled, amazed, and newly determined to move forward without telling anyone what we are doing.

But one thing we can guarantee is that it won't involve threats to withhold funds, shut down any National Parks, or least of all, imp— imp— impudence. Paul Ryan never actually rolled any wheelchairs off any cliffs. He spent all of 2012 explaining this, and you should have listened to him.

We understand that President Obama is about to wave in 30 million Mexicans and give them EBT cards that will be accepted not just at supermarket check-out and tattoo parlors but at all polling places in 2016. When it happens, Rep. Boehner will let his jaw drop in surprised disbelief, Sen. McConnell will put on his very best frown, and we will both write appeals to defend the nation as anyone born in the U.S.A. would do, until the issue blows over, or until he sends Hillary Clinton to Congress to ask us, "What difference — at this point — does it make?"

We understand that the voters gave us a mandate to address Obama-care. (They may have said "repeal," but it's Congress's job to get the wording right.) We will propose gentle, non-threatening changes that show that we are the ones who can make even a hare-brained scheme work. We'll repeal the Medical Device Tax, something that will renew Big Pharma's faith in the utility of campaign contributions. We'll loosen the loophole that lets companies evade Obama-care by cutting everyone to 29½ hours per week and forcing them to get two jobs. Our vision is for everyone to have two jobs at 34½ hours a week and still no health care benefits.

We will pursue our goal of a tax code that gobbles up more but takes smaller bites. We will guarantee it is "revenue-neutral" except for the stuff we had to give Obama to get him to sign it. We will advance the Keystone Pipeline, so the railroads will see they backed the wrong guy.

And, in contrast to Sen. Reid's tyrannical rules changes that silenced us when we were in the minority, we will restore the old rules that will let the minority kick, scream, and grind the Senate to a halt. This will signal that the logjam in Washington has been broken, with a new mandate to "reach across the aisle" to befriend the goons that you mostly kicked out of office. We will show the American people what Republicans are: Courtly, businesslike, and amnesiac, anxious to soothe commentators at the television networks, people you would buy a used car from if you didn't have a choice. Losers now briefly playing the role of winners — until we run a third Bush for President and put things in stark contrast again.

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