UnNews:Now sane, Jared Lee Loughner expected to plead guilty
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Now sane, Jared Lee Loughner expected to plead guilty
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 24, 2018, 08:42:UTC)(
5 August 2012
PHOENIX, AZ – Jared Lee Loughner, who ejaculated upon, but did not impregnate, U. S.
Congressman Congressperson Congresswoman Gabrielle “Gabby” Giffords, and has been incarcerated in the Federal Correctional Institution at Phoenix, AZ, for pleading “not guilty” when everyone knows he committed the foul act and is “crazy as a loon” for attempting to impregnate Giffords when he could have gone after Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachman, Republicans, who are much better looking than the Democrat Congressman Congressperson Congresswoman, has, after being forcibly “medicated,” recovered his sanity and seen the error of his ways.
“I'm guilty,” Loughner confessed, after having been forcibly “medicated” with the anti-psychotic drug risperidone for over a year.
According to Dr. Sayd Diss, a psychiatrist at the federal facility, risperidone is used to treat autism, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and “mistaken beliefs that an ordinary American citizen is innocent until proven guilty.” The drug is also effective against warts and ingrown toenails, Diss insists.
The drug is approved as “safe and effective” by the Food and Drug Administration, despite documented side-effects such as obesity, insomnia, brain tumors, kidney and liver damage, anemia, dementia, and constipation. “It's all good,” Diss said.
The drug has been the subject of several legal disputes, including lawsuits that have been settled out of court for millions of dollars. “Nothing is too good for a federal prisoner who needs a bit of mental health adjustment,” Diss maintained.
Prior to the ruling that authorized Loughner's forced “medication,” an appeals court had ruled that the accused had the right to reject the drug. On July 12, 2011, a panel of three federal judges from the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals had dared to rule that Loughner could refuse anti-psychotic medication on the grounds that he "has not been convicted of a crime, is presumptively innocent, and is therefore entitled to greater constitutional protections than a convicted inmate.”
However, the panel's decision was overturned on appeal on the grounds that Loughner had been caught with his pants down, trying, even when apprehended, to impregnate Giffords. “He's obviously crazy,” President Obama, who often speaks out on local issues, declared. “I mean, even if I weren't gay, I wouldn't want to have sex with Gabby, any more than I would want to have sex with Nancy Pelosi! I can barely stand it when Michelle gives me a wink and a
A week after the ruling, prison authorities resumed the forced “medication” of Loughner, always with the objective in mind of “extracting a guilty plea” from him after “restoring his sanity,” Diss said.
Loughner was told that he would remain behind bars, subjected to daily injections of the drug until he “got his mind right,” Loughner's attorneys claimed.
Apparently, Loughner has had enough. He has agreed to change his plea from “not guilty” to “guilty,” or even “guilty as hell,” if doing so will result in his being declared sane and the cessation of the forced “medication” to which he has been subjected. A court-appointed psychiatrist—probably Diss himself—will determine whether Loughner is “fit to stand trial,” and if he is, he will likely receive a life sentence.
Some critics have claimed that the government has gone “too far” in attempting to win its case against Loughner. “What the feds have done to him is tantamount to mind control,” Ms. Carriage O. Justiss, an attorney with the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), claimed.
Weighing in, unofficially, in the matter, the Supreme Court's Chief Justice, John Roberts, declared, “As I proved by my ruling on Obamacare, the federal government has the right—the absolute right—to do anything it wants.”
President Obama agreed. “We need to do anything and everything at our disposal to convict anyone who in any way threatens a member of the federal government, especially if the member is a Democrat.”
Given a "fair trial," Obama said, he had no doubt but that "justice will be served."
Loughner is expected to enter his plea on Tuesday and to be back in prison, for life, by Wednesday afternoon, at the latest. The forcible “medication” is expected to stop soon thereafter.