UnNews:Northern Illinois University shooter was a fine, upstanding citizen, just like everybody you know

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Latest revision as of 13:58, December 6, 2011

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16 February 2008

DEKALB, Illinois, and also your hometown -- The crazed maniac who took the lives of five students at Northern Illinois University last Wednesday has been identified as Steven P. Kazmierczak, a fine, upstanding citizen with no troubled history, much like that nice young man who cashed your check at the bank this morning.

"This has been a total shock. I've known Steve for years -- he took me to the prom when we were in high school," said student Ellen Burbanks, who if you have a daughter, probably looks a lot like her. "I just talked to him last week about the new job he was starting at the prison. He seemed excited," she stammered, before bursting into tears.

In related news, the driver of the bus you rode this morning -- and are going to ride again tomorrow -- is excited about his new job, too.

Kazmierczak had obtained the firearms used in the massacre in a totally legal and aboveboard transaction last week, the kind of which thousands are carried out every day in the United States. Reports suggest that 30-40% of firearms are purchased by normal, well-adjusted individuals with no history of violence, just like Kazmierczak, your waiter at lunch today, and your own child's best friend.

Police are currently scrutinizing the few clues that may shed light on what drove Kazmierczak to the crimes. Among them are statements by witnesses that Kazmierczak had failed to take his medication regularly for the past few days, though studies indicate that pretty much everyone who has ever taken long-term medication has done exactly the same thing once in a while.

According to police, those same sources claim that Kazmierczak had become "somewhat erratic." However, when UnNews followed up with Brian Compowski, Kazmierczak's longtime friend and fellow student, he cast doubt on that assertion, stating, "I tried to tell that detective I hadn't noticed anything, but [the detective] wouldn't leave me alone until I said that [Kazmierczak] was acting weird."

On learning of the tragedy, President Bush expressed his sorrow over the incident and called on Congress to expand his warrantless wiretap program[[1]] to cover every call everybody ever makes.

Memorial services for the victims will be held over the weekend. They are expected to be attended by over 2,000 mourners, most of whom are regular, normal people, just like the victims, the shooter, and the people around you every single day of your life.

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