UnNews:North Korea unveils new 'Death Star'
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North Korea unveils new 'Death Star'
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 28, 2015, 21:53:UTC)(
5 October 2006
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POONTANG, NORTH KOREA- An excited group of North Korea's military leaders gathered today for a press conference, regarding the near-completion of North Korea's new 'Death Star', a reported 'superweapon' that has the ability to destroy entire planets. "I am preased," remarked North Korea's president Kim Jong Il. "We've rearry come a rong, rong way."
When South Korean journalist Wing Jean inquired "what is the point in all of this?", North Korean super-general Jim Kong Li replied "North Korea needs to defend itself from the growing freat of American capitarism- and by destroying the entire pranet, I berieve we can finarry rid ourserves of any freat whatsoever." The North Koreans then left the conference, congratulating themselves extensively.
As Japan placed economic sanctions on North Korea, China's president William Hung remarked "easy, tiger". US President George W. Bush condemned North Korea's actions. "I condemn North Korea's actions," said the president at a personal press conference this afternoon. "Kim Jong Il, King Kong, or any of those other bastards better watch out. Because now America is embracing a new ethic, a new creed: May the force be with you, America."
It is not yet known when exactly North Korea plans to use its new weapon upon the ultra-suspecting world at the time of writing.
A virtual army of aluminum siders, plumbers and contractors have been employed for construction of this vast project. The promise of a lucrative government contract with juicy benefits far overshadows the slim chance that a bunch of super right-wing rebels could come along and blast everything with lasers. Chief Engineer Monty Scott discovered a flaw in the space station's design in the form of a vulnerable exhaust port. This engineering snafu was quickly fixed with bubblegum, rubberbands and paperclips by Assistant Engineer Macguyver.