UnNews:North Korea invents the wheel, citizens rejoice
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
1 October 2006
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"I wish those capitalist pigs could see us now," said Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Il while proudly staring at the crude, roundish, wheel-like thing before him. "Do you have any idea what this means for our great nation? Certainly we can use this contraption to increase the efficiency of the hundreds of already efficient steel mills and power plants we have all around this Glorious country!"
In every major city, government-commissioned military parades were held with mandatory public executions of traitors being performed at each one. Said traitor Kang su as the executioner placed his neck into a noose, "I guess I'm kind of sad that they're killing me so soon, but at least I know our great people will be able to move faster then they ever have before. With any luck, electric light will make its way here by the end of the decade. Then the People's Revolution can really begin!"
Stated Korean weapons expert Hwang Seong jun, "We are very excited about this new invention. We believe that using this 'wheel' will allow us to drive our tanks much more efficiently, as the current idea of setting them on cinder blocks has severely hampered our war efforts. I'm not supposed to tell you this, but some brilliant young minds in the department have even considered putting wheels on our nuc--" At this, a stray bullet fired from a capitalist pig-dog hit Hwang in the head, preventing him from finishing his Glorious statement. With any luck, Glorious Leader will repay this pig-dog with the power of the Glorious North Korean wheel.
"Our freedom has been taken to new heights!" wildly screamed Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Il as the first ever prototype of the wheel rolled down a hill into the DMZ. "You see those soldiers on that wall? They're walking! When we adapt these to our military vehicles, we'll run them and the rest of the imperialist Yankees over!"
"Bullshit," said Donald Rumsfeld at a press conference. "We used to think Iraq was capable of producing and using wheels, but we really fucked that one up. North Korea does not have the wheel. This is obviously just another stupid morale-boosting scheme that Kim Jong-Il has devised to keep his people happy."
When asked how he felt about this critical military development, George W Bush replied with, "The American people will unite together to face this new threat. We shall not bow down before the Axle of Evil and its many, many wheels. We will not be brought down. We will not be defeated. The Department of Homeland Security will be raising the Communist invasion threat level to crimson red and all objects more round than an octagon will be banned from entering the country."
Spies report that research to build iron weapons is currently underway in The Democratic People's Republic of Korea, but such reports should be taken with a grain of salt. Until recently it was thought that North Korea had a vast supply of sharp sticks, but UN Weapons Inspectors have found that North Korean sticks are, to quote the report, "Not really that sharp at all."