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23 November 2010
HAEJU, North Korea -- In a shock to the entire world, North Korea has launched missiles in the general direction of the South Korean island of Yeonpyeong to celebrate Miley Cyrus's 18th birthday. Sources in the area say that around 2:30 PM local time North Korea began the unexpected bash in honor of the Glorious Leader's second favorite musician of all-time. One local stated, "These are the best fireworks since Cate's party back in May."
Along with the bursting missile-turned-fireworks and the ceremonial 100-round artillery salute came the best surprise of the day: Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Il performing his favorite song by the Hannah Montana starlet, "Party in the Best KoreA!", on the popular Korean Central Television station. Glorious Leader's performance was broadcast live from a Pyongyang studio to every home in the great nation of North Korea. Those that did not have access to a television of their own either listened to Kim Jong-Il's performance on the radio via Korean Central Broadcasting Station's simulcast or were told to go to their neighbor's house and watch it on their television. Those that refused were gathered up and whisked away to the prison camps where they will be serving life sentences for treason.
After the beautiful two hour performance by the Glorious Leader, the Eternal Spirit of Kim Il-sung appeared with an enormous cake and gave a slice to every citizen. "Let this cake feed all of you for as many years as Miley has been such a talented singer", proclaimed the Eternal Spirit Kim Il-sung before vanishing into the Heavens which he is no doubt the leader of.
However the day has not gone off without its fair share of hitches. The evil South Korean traitors viciously bombarded North Korea with more than 80 rounds of artillery and deployed fighter jets to try to ruin the North Korean festivities.
"The demented South Korean President Lee Myung-bak ordered his ministers to take measures against the peaceful North Korean nation just out of his sheer hatred of the talented Miss Cyrus", said one North Korean man.
The filthy imperialist capitalistic pig government of the United States of America called upon the illustrious People's Republic of China to denounce North Korea's celebration of Miley's birthday. China responded by saying, "Fuck you, America! North Korea will fight for its right to party, especially on a day such as this! Miley is one of today's most talented singer slash actors!" We were unable to get a response from Ms. Miley Cyrus, but she would probably just say something like, "NORTH KOREA IS BEST KOREA! I wish I could leave the restraints of this overweight greedy nation of America and move there to live under the caring eye of the Kim family!" Well, she would probably sing it, not just say it.
Kim Jong-Il concluded the day's festivities by announcing that the next time celebrations this big will occur are when Kim Jong-Il's favorite musician Justin Beiber's testicles descend. The itinerary will include a duet between the Glorious Leader and Justin, followed by North Korea's first 1000-artillery salute over the Yellow Sea to honor Justin's final step into manhood and then even more cake.
- Kyoun Poi Pyung "North Korea launching BEST KOREA's BEST FIREWORKS, but why?". KCNA, November 23, 2010