UnNews:North Korea Now Regrets Testing Solitary Nuke
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North Korea Now Regrets Testing Solitary Nuke
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, January 19, 2017, 02:23:UTC)(
30 March 2008
Pyongyang, North Korea--Yesterday, North Korean nutjob Kim Jong-Il announced that his country would refrain from testing any more of their nuclear weapons, for the simple reason that they have run out of them.
"After years of very painful trial and error, we finally figured out how to make one," stated current North Korean Official Minister of Nuclear Explosions Jim Bong-Full.
The minister went on to admit that the nuclear device detonated underground earlier this month was the only one North Korea had ever managed to successfully produce.
"We all posed for pictures next to it," noted Bong-Full, "but then Kim Jong-Il, in his infinite wisdom, asked us to test it to make sure that it would really work this time."
The former Minister of Nuclear Explosions, Him Long-Gone, made the unwise suggestion that North Korea might refrain from testing their entire nuclear arsenal of one weapon, and instead just hope that it worked when they needed it.
"Mr Long-Gone was allowed to witness the underground detonation first-hand when he was tied to a chair next to the device and ordered at gunpoint to light the fuse himself," Bong-Full confessed.
North Korea also confessed that a picture leaked to the internet showing thousands of nuclear warheads lined up in a North Korean warehouse was really just a digitally manipulated promotional photograph from the 1983 movie "War Games," which starred Matthew Broderick and Ally Sheedy.
"I wish I could say that we have been given permission to try to build another nuke," stated Bong-Full, "but Kim Jong-Il has all of our top scientists busy trying to figure out why our Tapeodong II missiles keep blowing in in mid-air 30 seconds after we fire them off."