UnNews:North American Black Fly Population Now Carrying The Gay Virus
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North American Black Fly Population Now Carrying The Gay Virus
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 29, 2015, 11:33:UTC)(
13 November 2008
VERMONT, ST JOHNSBURY: Residents of this small town of just under 7,000 are in a state of shock. Recently released results from the testing of black fly populations in Northern America and Canada by the Centers For Disease Control And Prevention earlier this year have detected an alarmingly high rate of infection with Pristophora geniculata, commonly known as the "Gay Virus, in the northeastern region of North America. At Fuller Hall in downtown St Johnsbury about 300 people, mostly prominent citizens and local officials, attended a town hall meeting with CDC spokesman Tom Skinner who, looking noticeably pale and alarmed, issued the following statement "We have reason to believe that all persons in the eastern portion of Canada and the entire state of Maine that have been bitten by a black fly in 2008 may be infected with the gay virus".
St Johnsbury is only 100 miles from the border with Canada and despite no openly visible sign of gayness, residents are extremely alarmed. "With all that gay virus swimmin' around up there in Canada it's just a matter of time before all our flies are gay too. Next thing you know I'm going to be watching Oprah and listening to Barbara Streisand and Cher" said a local resident who didn't wish to identify himself.
It's unclear as to whether the CDC will propose a quarantine for Maine and Eastern Canada or not. Researchers at CDC have been pulled off all other projects until a vaccine for Pristophora geniculata can be found. When asked about a possible estimate of the amount of time it would take before the entire world became infected, Skinner replied "Since the amount of time between the gayfly's bite and full blown gayness in humans is variable, we have no idea. For all we know the entire world is already gay and just doesn't know about it yet"