UnNews:North America's Uprising Becomes an Insurgency
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North America's Uprising Becomes an Insurgency
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 29, 2016, 17:52:UTC)(
17 December 2011
Washington, DC -- The American and Canadian governments' brutal crackdown on the occupy protesters has reached a tipping point. After 3 months of mostly peaceful protests the occupy movement is beginning to grow into a full fledged insurgency. Brutal government crackdowns in various major North American cities including New York, Los Angeles, Oakland, Toronto, and Halifax have resulted in occupy protesters arming themselves in an attempt to defend against regime forces. Members of both the American and Canadian armed forces are also starting to defect and take up arms against President Barack Obama and Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
The events leading up the insurgency have been simmering for months. In Oakland, police killed and injured dozens of occupy protesters in an attempt to put the brakes on a growing movement. An Iraq war veteran was critically injured after being shot in the head. In New York City, police stormed the original occupy camp in Zuccotti Park, burning tents with people still in them. In Toronto, RCMP officers brought in at the request of Stephen Harper, shot protesters with muskets while on horseback. Toronto mayor Rob Ford allegedly shot several protesters himself from his parked Mercedes. Halifax mayor Peter Kelly ordered Occupy Halifax shut down on Remembrance Day, allegedly after receiving direct orders from Prime Minister Harper. The Halifax protesters were very peaceful in the beginning, even offering to move their protest from city hall to Victoria Park in a show of respect for the veterens involved in Remembrance Day ceremonies. Despite this sign of respect, Kelly ordered the massacre of several hundred protesters. Several Afghanistan veterans attending the Remembrance Day ceremonies that day got word of the attack on protesters and immediately took up arms against the police resulting in a gun battle that lasted for hours and killed dozens of people. Veterans also have a lot of anger towards the government as a result of their disability cheques and pensions being cut by the Harper government. After the Remembrance Day massacre things were pretty quiet for a few weeks in Canada. Occupiers in Regina and Edmonton fled their encampments after being attacked by severe winter weather. In Vancouver, occupiers left their camp to protest a recent loss by the Vancouver Canucks.
This all changed this week after a group of Americans refused to leave their homes after they were foreclosed by their banks. This latest movement, called "Occupy homes", an offshot of the occupy movement, encourages people whose homes have been foreclosed to be sqautters in their homes and refuse to leave. When police tried to remove them by force, the occupiers opened fire. By doing so they declared war against the North American government and commited treason. The movement is said to have been inspired by the occupy movement and Michael Moore's latest film, "Capitalism: A love story". In the film, a Democratic Congresswoman encourags the American people to remain in their homes and refuse to leave. The Congresswoman, whose name is under a publication ban, was arrested, tried, convicted, and executed within a matter of two hours on Wednesday afternoon. President Barack Obama was said to be present at the trial and welcomed the verdict. "I don't want to have defectors within my ranks, anyone who steps out of line will be purged from the Democratic Party". Other dissidents in the party including Ohio Congressman Dennis Kuchinch have been removed from the party and "dealt with". He encouraged Republicans to do the same and remove anyone who criticizes the government's military response or expresses support for the occupy movement in any way. Congressman Ron Paul was featured in the latest episode of America's Most Wanted after he suggested getting rid of the Fed was a good idea and supported the protesters right to free speech and assembly. The Congressman has gone AWOL and is being sought by state and federal authorities.
The home occupations and the slaying of the dissident congresswoman appear to have spurred on the protesters, enraged by these latest acts of violence in addition to the massacres across North America in October and November. Armed militias stormed a Wal Mart in Tacoma, Washington, destroying merchandise but leaving shoppers and employees unharmed. Occupiers in Manhattan attempted to storm the New York Stock Exchange but were stopped by police and military. A bloody battle ensued but government forces were able to hold the Stock Exchange and prevent its capture to rebel forces. In Toronto, Rob Ford's home was attacked by the crew of the news program "This Hour has 22 Minutes". Eggs and spray paint were alleged to have been used in the battle.
Members of the Canadian Forces, dissatisfied with the governments recent cuts to the veterans benefits and crackdown on occupy protesters, have begun taking up arms against Stephen Harper's government. Parliament Hill was attacked earlier this week by a sqaud of disgruntled Afghanistan vets. The attack was thwarted however when Conservative MPs backed by army loyalists used opposition MPs has human shields against the defectors. The defectors quickly retreated after realizing that they would be attacking people who were not responsible for either the benefit cuts or the crackdowns.
Stephen Harper was democratically elected in 2006 to a minority government. In 2011, in an election thought to have been fradulent, Harper was catipulted to majority status. His MPs outnumbered all other parties combined, giving him near absolute control over Canadian economic and social policy. Since assuming absolute power Harper has cut corporate taxes, increased the penalties for all crimes, even minor ones, cut veterans benefits, and cracked down on peaceful protests. Before the occupy uprising, Harper appeared to have complete control over the entire country. Despite this, sources close to the Prime Minister allege that he takes direct orders from US President Barack Obama. The fact that all the occupy camps in both countries were shut down within days of each other supports this theory.
Tanks have begun patrolling the streets of many North American cities and sporadic violence is breaking out all across the continent. Harper and Obama appeared in a press conference earlier this month touting a new surveillance law allowing both countries to spy on their citizens and share the information with one another. During the press conference both leaders commanded their citizens to cease and desist and to obey local law enforcement. Harper told Canadian citizens that "your safety can not be guaranteed if you take part in these illegal and treasonous demonstrations.". Obama added that "any criticism of the North American government, big business, or our current economic system is an automatic death sentence. Anyone who criticizes this great continent forfeits not only their right to live on it but their right to live as well". The United Nations has condemned the heavy handed response of the North American regime and travel restrictions have been placed on both Obama and Harper. The UN Security Council has attempted to place sanctions on North America but the United States vetoed it. Several foreign leaders were also executed by US forces as they left the UN building in New York. Arrest warrants for both Stephen Harper and Barack Obama have been issued by the International Criminal Court but there is no extradition method in place. Harper and Obama are also so heavily protected that it is unlikely that either the occupy uprising or the international justice system will be able to touch them.
Harper and Obama have dug in and it appears that both Canada and the United States are on the brink of a civil war. General strikes in both countries are now in place with many small businesses closing, schools being shut down, and shipping and trucking being brought to a standstill. Harper has ordered business to resume as usual and is even sending loyalist soldiers into towns and cities to force people to work in an attempt to keep the economy chugging along. On behalf of the banks, Obama is sending special forces into suburban homes in attempt to liberate them from their owners. Universities are being purged of their progressive faculty and liberal churches that preach the "Social Gospel" are being burned to the ground. Religious commentators such as Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson welcome this. They consider liberal churches blasphomous and Robertson stated that "Capitalism is compatible with God's Laws and the teachings of the Bible".
Whatever happens in the next few weeks it appears that things will get worse before they get better. It is not known whether the occupy movement will succeed but sources close to both the President and Prime Minister have indicated that defeat is not an option. If the situation deteriorates further the deployment of nuclear weapons may be an option.
edit North American Rifle Association
The North American Rifle Association specifically excludes nuclear weapons.
- Deborah Dupre "Police shot Occupy Oakland Marine Vet in face, unconscious (video, slideshow)". The Examiner, October 26th, 2011