UnNews:Norris admits he doesn’t know Jack
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Norris admits he doesn’t know Jack
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, December 7, 2016, 14:37:UTC)(
29 April 2012
WILE E. COYOTE, Texas -- In a candid confession yesterday superman Chuck Norris told the media that he, in fact, does not know jack! - though he does admit watching all episodes of the sadistic FOX TV fantasy, “24”. And while he is aroused and fascinated by Jack Bauer, Norris is also terrified of facing him. As a result the two heroes have never met.
“There’s no such thing as a fair fight! With Jack it’s always a ‘shoot-out’, with him doing all the shooting and everyone else is out!” Norris complained. “For me to be an actor and play with blanks is a world apart from dealing with Jack Bauer!” Norris told members of the media.
Norris went on, “Did you see Season 7 when Jack chased that one armed Russian just by following his blood trail and ended up breaking the neck of that dick head terrorist Abu Fayed! Do you know why the Russian had only one arm? Because he chopped the other arm off by himself just to avoid facing Jack. And that Russian was only an innocent made up character who doesn’t feel any pain.” Norris pointed out. “I’m a real person!”
When he was told that Jack Bauer was also just a made up character, Norris shot back, “It doesn’t matter. You can call him Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer, or the man-in-the-moon. I will not risk attracting his attention! And I’m pretty sure that he has no idea who I am!”
We inquired if he, the great Chuck Norris - who had even fought with legendary Bruce Lee – didn’t think he could beat Jack Bauer in a fight he replied, “Listen good - I don’t care what the script says or who is supposed to win or how many life times I mastered martial arts, there is just no way in hell I’m getting anywhere near Jack! – The guy's a sadistic psychopath!”
To be absolutely sure we asked Norris again, “So, you do confirm that you have never met Jack Bauer before in person?” “That’s right! I admit it. I don’t know jack!” - Norris confirmed.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|