UnNews:Norman Borlaug assassinated by Weight Watchers
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
13 September 2009
Dallas, Texas - Nobel prize winner and humanitarian Dr. Norman Borlaug, father of the Green Revolution, who's pioneering work is credited with saving no less than one billion lives world wide, has been assassinated. An as yet unnamed member of Weight Watchers is believed to be responsible, as Borlaug had been on the company's "Top Ten Most Wanted" list for over two decades now.
"Yes, we finally brought down the big one", said a source in Weight Watchers on the condition of anonymity, "He won't be around to chuckle over his handy work any more!".
The source is refering to the now well known phenomena of supply and demand, wherein Borlaug's vast increasing of the availability of food worldwide drove the price of it sharply down - thus raising the demand, especially in the more prosperous nations. "The food surplusage that allowed for the continued existence of ten Pakistanis was also the same amount that allowed for a merely stout American to become obese.", reported Jenny Craig, another entrepreneur who's fortune was made off of catering to Borlaug's American victims. "He made food too cheap and available for westerners, and we still live with his legacy. I applaud that Weight Watcher employee who dealt with this."
Some critics of the diet industry giant have pointed out that Borlaug could hardly have known where his discoveries would lead, and that his motive - the feeding of the starving masses of Earth - would seem to be benign. "Hey, I've more reason to hate him then most", said Paul Ehrlich, author of 'The Population Bomb', which predicted mass starvation in the seventies and eighties, "But I was glad to be proved wrong. And heck, Borlaug actually proved me right, as without his efforts, what I said would have been true. And still will be in 2040, as you'll see in my latest scare book, 'Atomic Population Explosionarama'."
Weight Watchers, having got it's start dealing with the explosion of overweight Americans, has long held up Norman Borlaug as a man with an ulterior motive. In rather incoherent screeds long available on their net site www.lardasses.com they have characterized Borlaug as a hater of the big boned, who flooded Earth with food just to tempt them.
Police are aware of the long standing animosity, but have released a statement saying that it's too soon in their investigation to confirm or deny any rumors. "And if it comes to rumors," said Chief Dalrymple of the Dallas Police Department, "We've other rumors that the Nobel prize winner died naturally, and was well loved by all who knew him. To hear everyone talk, he was universally admired and will be sorely missed. So far, we're sticking with that."