Noob Gets PWNED
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 29, 2015, 17:06:UTC)(
24 April 2007
STRANGLETHORN VALE, AZEROTH
Today, new World of Warcraft player (a so-called "noob") Garth Petersaaan, of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, was violently "pwned"by a "leet haxxor" in the game World of Warcraft. The criminals proceeded to "gank" and "teabag" the victim's dead body until he was forced to cry himself to sleep, when the killers allegedly ran back into the jungle to hide.
Garth was able to comment for us, saying: "It was out of nowhere. I was just playing my level 12 Blood Elf hunter, xxlegolosrofllolxx and these level seventy hackers came out and ganked me. I got camped for about two hours. I mean it was atrocious, people talk about the holocaust, that shit was nothing compared to the atrocities he committed to my dead computerized self."
Petersaan, a Vietnam Veteran, said he had never seen anything so horrible in his life- in reference to his avatar's virtual demise. "I didn't believe people could be so horrible. First the ganker came out of the jungles and used area of effect spells to kill the guards around me, and I saw my own best friends die right before my eyes. All we were doing was questing, trying to help some of the people get airlifted back to safety. There were so many of them, and they just kept jumping in and out of sight- like in the Three Amigos. I will never be the same" Witnesses of these atrocities were reported to having said: "OMGNOWAI?!" and another simply stated "LOL."
Garth, always the advocate of social activism, went to the World of Warcraft forums to let his anguish out. He had hoped that people would be disturbed by the horrors of the humiliating teabagging that occurred there and that reforms would be passed in Congress to protect such new players from further ganking. Instead of help, comfort, and empathy, Garth said that he received replies of only icy sarcastic nerds who not only play World of Warcraft, but look at the forums too.
A flame war is said to have erupted, some of the responses protested the awful things that were committed to Garth's dead lifeless body, but most were actually in favor of the brutal carnage. Allegedly, users posted ASCII pictures of a man "Facepalming" that said "no one cares."
The terrorists were found by authorities (known to players as "Admins") later the same day, killing others, particularly blood elf paladins. They was charged with racial griefing, an indictment for repeatedly killing members of the same race until they give up, the penalty of which is the equivalent of a slap on the wrists. Our crew was able to find their leader later that day, in the mean streets of Ironforge. He refused an interview, but did offer this comment: "What we did today, and what we do everyday, is no different to what the other side constantly did, does, and will do to us. If we weren't out there killing them they would be killing us."
When imagining a crime so vile and indignant, one must ask, why?. The criminals' answer only brings up more questions than it asks. If only they would stop killing perhaps people would see that and change. As Gandhi said, we must be the change we wish to see in the world. If you want a sense of just how terrible this crime was, here's something to try: imagine yourself committing them. What kind of sick, demented personalities would go murdering helpless players learning the ropes of an online game.
The impact of this horrific crime will undoubtedly be the subject of talk, and probably spark fierce debate over the nature of so-called "pvp" or player versus player combat laws. Congress is supposedly having a joint session to discuss putting regulations on honor gained from killing other players, but many contest that this is not the reason that these mass murderers do their foul work.
Rappers Snoop Dogg, Ludacris, and Puffy have decided that they will hold a kind of "Hip-hop Council" which will discuss the effects of their music -which vividly describe mass murders or "gankings" while under the influence of illegal "haxx".
Worse yet, these kinds of crimes are becoming more and more common. Under current law, there is no penalty for "ganking" enemies, other than the possibilty that they may retaliate. Many leftists oppose this policy and are also pushing for reforms. Whatever the case, this and other tragedies remind us that ending violence is up to ourselves. The criminal's logic is flawed, in that killing will only perpetuate killing. People must stop killing in order to end killing, a lesson we could have only learned, from a simple "newbie" getting "pwned."
- Some Whiney Player "Random Forum Post About Ganking". WoW Forums, Who Cares
- Jeffrey Kluger "Inside a Mass Murderer's Mind". Time Magazine, Thursday, Apr. 19, 2007