UnNews:Non-disabled Americans fight for equal rights, parking privileges
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Non-disabled Americans fight for equal rights, parking privileges
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, April 26, 2017, 08:00:UTC)(
20 November 2007
A moving scene took place in Framingham, Massachusetts earlier this week. Throughout the town, the non-disabled population joined hands in prayer and song, singing rousing renditions of spirituals such as "Break Down, Sweet Chair-iot" and "(Dr. Kevorkian's Clinic Is) Down By The Riverside".
This movement has been developing in this small town for years, growing steadily as non-disabled civilians "open their eyes to the harsh, unremitting fact of their lack of privilege," according to abled-rights activist Anna Carter.
The current open protest was mainly provoked by an influx of benefits for several people in the town -- people that were only recently recognized as disabled.
"Well, yeah, [my cousin] Fred's pretty much destroyed himself with meth," local resident Carl Henderson said to reporters. "But what the hell! He and his family don't deserve shit for that! I mean, fuck, the only reason he gets these benefits and I don't is because he knew where to get crank!" (Fred Henderson was contacted by an interviewer, but he declined comment.
Henderson is one of the frontrunners in the Massachusetts abled-rights movement. "I am wronged every day," he says. "When I go to park my car, I have to park four, five rows further back than them. Most of those lamers can't even drive! When I ride the bus, I have to get out of my seat and move for them. The bus, for God's sakes! Didn't some black chick, like, die for my right to sit here or something?"
The National Abled Alliance of Chairless People has compiled a list of complaints about the preferential treatment of disabled citizens, including complaints of bathroom stall size, being last in priority getting on an elevator, and -- their main argument, implied in their name -- the fact that they are not allowed to use wheelchairs without being called "lazy".
"It's one of the greatest advancements of the technological age we live in," said Brian Sigmund, head of the NAACP. "A chair to take you places that your car can't go. Why can't we have them? This is one of the most disgusting discriminations against Abled-Americans to ever occur, in our group's opinion."
The group plans to organize a nation-wide protest by the end of the year. They have thus far received an overwhelming amount of support in Framingham's abled community, but have hopes for expansion.
"After all," Sigmund penned in his bi-weekly newsletter, "we're not Mother Nature's fuck-ups. We are ideal humans. Here we are. Rock you like a hurricane."