UnNews:Non-criminal busts into California prison
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
12 August 2011
FOLSOM, California -- The California Department of Corrections and Sacramento County Sheriff's deputies caught law-abiding homeless man, Marvin Lane, on the grounds of California State Prison, Sacramento - also known as old Folsom, this morning.
48-year-old Lane claims he broke into the prison grounds because he was hungry and needed a hot meal and warm bed. According to Lane, life is way too hard on the outside and he envied the lucky inmates.
Apparently Lane had been doing hard time on the outside since his birth. Born in a hobo family he was sentenced to an impossibly hard life for a crime he never committed.
“I ain’t never done nothing right! So why don’t I get a break like the guys in this here jail?” Lane lamented. “Damn, what a great life with no work, free toilets, hot showers, a bed to sleep on, and three hot meals a day.”
That's the story he spun to prison guards and deputies, though they find it hard to believe his story they had to admit that he did have a point. “What we're seeing is that out-mates, who are doing hard time on the outside, are finding the US prison system to be a better alternative to the garbage dump!” Sgt. Tony Quinn told FOX40.
“Some of the most popular benefits to life on the IN-side are free health care, free accommodation, free clothing, free food, free sports club membership, and all the best drugs that are only available here on the inside.” Quinn said. “I don’t know what he never did to deserve a life on the outside! Man, it’s goddamn bad out there. In here he also has better police protection, all free things that so-called free out-mates have to work, slave and pay for!”
Lane was spotted by thermal imaging cameras at Folsom yard after somehow sneaking onto the prison grounds. He was caught hiding in tall, dry weeds around 7 a.m. Despite an exhaustive search by prison guards, no criminal record was found on Lane which might entitle him to a free life style at the expense of the hard-working Federal Reserve private banking cartel.
Thursday morning he was arraigned in the Sacramento Free Court where he was found guilty of non-criminal trespassing and condemned to a further life sentence of hard-time on the OUT-side.
- Staff "Ex-Inmate Arrested for Sneaking Back Into California Prison". Fox News, Aug 12, 2011