UnNews:Non-Americans still baffled by Primary system

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25 February 2008

Primary

Satellite image of the USA.

EVERYWHERE, the last few months Research shows that 99% of the world still finds the American system of primary voting bizarre and baffling.

"People are voting on who's going to be in the election? Bollocks!" said Alfy Crandall, a cockney bootblack. This sentiment was echoed by Nigerian Prince N'jama Oguku: "Why not have an election to see who can go in the election to go in the actual election?"

Many people outside of the USA who thought that they understood the system were thrown into disarray when they found out about all that town caucus baloney. "Why do not the candidates save time by merely producing their bank statements so that everyone can see who is richer without all this... this rigmarole," sniffed Parisian dandy Pierre du Saint-Pierre-Corday.

"Wait, wait, wait, you mean the election isn't even on yet?" asked Helga Schmitt of Düsseldorf, "So why is it on the news?"

Worldwide understanding of the American electoral system plunged still further yesterday when front runners Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama came tied second in the Texas primary behind bruschetta, the flavour-filled Italian delicacy.

"I saw this commentator on CNN saying that it was the biggest entree related upset since Republican incumbent Ronald Reagan was defeated in the 1984 Utah primary by a serving of garlic bread," said incoming Cuban president Raul Castro "I'm starting to think that the yanquis are making the whole thing up, just to see how gullible we are."

"I decided that, this year, I'd make an effort to understand how the American system works," said Indian political science student Indira Gupta, "But by the third hour of the coverage of the 8th Tennessee meta-caucus, I was just screaming "What? What?" at the screen. Seriously, if I can understand the LBW rule in cricket I should be able to understand anything; this was just bullshit."'

American political commentators were quick to head off criticisms from the rest of the world that the whole thing is just made-up bullshit.

"No, no, no. The Primaries are vital parts to the functioning of modern American democracy," said Harvard politics professor Dr. Warren Waspingly. "You see, first the candidates must present themselves to the Elders of the Divers States, who will certify that they are without physical flaw or deformity - after all, we don't want another Roosevelt."

"After that it's pretty straightforward; they sacrifice black cockerels to Hecate; they appear before the Caucuses once in formal attire and once in swimwear; they carefully explain the failings of every member of their own party to display their humility; they duel on flimsy bridges over lava flows. After all that, their names are placed in a hat and whoever's name is drawn out by most recent winner of the Best Supporting Actress Oscar is allowed to run for President."

"I don't see what's so hard to understand about that."


UPDATE: -- Most Americans do not understand the Primary system either. More on this story when I feel like making it up


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