UnNews:Nominated Secretary of Defense, Gates vows to use Windows for victory in Iraq
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Nominated Secretary of Defense, Gates vows to use Windows for victory in Iraq
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, June 30, 2016, 20:14:UTC)(
9 November 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
WASHINGTON, DC -- In a stunning development Wednesday, President Bush announced the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who will be replaced by Microsoft founder Bill Gates. The abrupt change in military leadership comes in light of Tuesday's midterm elections, in which voters overwhelmingly voted against Bush's war strategery. "I misunderestimated the American people," somberly admitted the President at an early afternoon press conference.
Bush praised Gates as an excellent candidate for the high-profile post, saying the entrepreneur has some great ideas for how to achieve victory in Iraq. While details of the plan are still under development, Pentagon sources say they've been in touch with Microsoft officials for months now. The modern warfare plan is a two-pronged attack - designed to simultaneously strike at the heart of the insurgency and help Iraqis progress and be more secure.
The first phase of Gates' plan will involve distributing the upcoming Windows Vista operating system to all Iraqi civilians. "It's new, improved security features will keep them very safe," explained the Microsoft chairman. Meanwhile, the second phase will target all evildoers. Gates plans on distributing Windows XP without any service packs or patches to all the insurgent areas. The most violent Baghdad neighborhoods will be flooded with Windows ME, which is known to be particularly vulnerable to viruses. Without access to antivirus software, the insurgents will first be slowed, and then completely incapacitated.
Democrats praised the nomination, saying it's a good first step by the now conciliatory White House administration. However, emboldened by their Congressional victory, party leaders said they will push for even more drastic changes in the war strategy. "Giving Iraqis Windows Vista is good," remarked speaker-to-be Nancy Pelosi, "but to really help reconstruct the country, we need to get funding for iMacs and Linux systems for those who are too communist for a copy of windows. Will Mr. Gates be willing to go that far?" The GOP is so far refusing to comment on such possibilities.
Despite the Republican defeat, the White House is trying to spin a positive outlook. Although ostensibly the ousting of Rumsfeld could be seen as yielding to the liberals, press secretary Tony Snow argued that it's just the opposite. Just last week, Bush asserted that he would keep the Secretary of Defense and the Vice President for the remainder of his term. Therefore, by getting rid of Rumsfeld today, the spokesman explained that "the President is holding on to his core ideals and values, including those of hypocrisy and contradicting himself." When reporters asked why Cheney, who was logically in the same situation as Rumsfeld, was allowed to keep his job, Snow cited Bush's value of "inconsistency" as the reason.